I used to be able to draw to get everything out
now it doesn't work anymore

i rarely used to be able to write to let it out
it's definitely not working now

i think of that way
but somehow i know it's not going to work
so i'm not going to try it

i used to have so many ways to make myself feel better
nothing's working now
this is my last resort
-

i'm reading
the words go though my eyes and into my head
but it doesn't stay
and it's not helping that i'm feeling tired
i keep falling asleep
i can't remember what i studied on sat and sun
i can't remember what i studied for at all
i can't remember anything

i feel guilty that i'm not being sad about that thing
although so many people are still trying to cope with it
i'm not. i'm... moving on.
don't get me wrong. it feels... sad, empty when i think about it
but it's not affecting me as much as them
and then i feel guilty that i'm happy that i'm not all that affected by it
becuase i want to be able to study.
i feel guilty.

the dream, nightmare i had last night isn't helping either
i thought it wouldn't affect me
i try not to think about it
but if i just subconsciously think about it
if my mind just edges towards it without me even thinking directly of it
i feel scared. and then i'm frustrated
why is it affecting me so much

and even the smallest things are affecting me
and even the things that are not supposed to affect me are affecting me

i keep feeling like there's this wall in front of me
i keep walking right into it
it's like the games we play
just for fun we walk the characters into the wall
they're moving, they're walking
but they're getting no where
my books open, i'm reading and i'm going no where

i look at the calendar
i watch the clock tick
i open my book read a few lines
nothing goes in
i read it again
nothing goes in again

my mum sighed as she watches me type
she doesn't stop me
but her sigh is enough to break my train of thought

I close that book
i open another
i repeat that whole process
the results are repeated
i close that book and open another
the same bloody thing happens again

i look at the content page
i remember that redox has been taken out
i try to smile
i look at the other topics
i smash the book shut

i'm tired
even though i wasted 2 hours sleeping
i never knew that just trying to paint a little could be so draining

i'm not going to survive
i'm not going to finish all my prep work
i'm not going to finish the actual painting
i'm not going to be able to read all my notes
i'm not going to be able to pass
i'm not going to be able to sleep
i'm not going to be able to get anywhere

i'm going to die.
i'm going to get a FAIL for art
i'm going to retain
i'm going to fail
i'm going to give up art
i'm going to have to see hear all their 'i told you so' looks
i'm going to die.
i'm going to die.
i'm going to die.

nothing's working
i'm still as frustrated as ever
what's wrong with me?
i was so confident about art a few days ago

you also stopped being confident on the same night

i felt okay

you never felt okay for long. you and your bloody fucking mood swings

i thought i could cope

and you remember last year. no, you don't really remember last year. but what you vaguely remember is enough isn't it? remember the blank starings? remember the struggling? remember all the fails? remember all the ugly red crosses? it's all going to happen again. you know it. you've anticipated it for the longest time. you were just turning you head the other way but even the slightest whisper reminds you of it because you keep thinking about it. even when you're not thinking about it directly. it's lurking at the back of your mind, you know it's there. it's always there. always.

the clocks are ticking. you're wasting your time. there's not point "spending the last hours of your life racing around your cage denying you're a squrriel." ohhh, a lit quote. not bad. you're full of bits and pieces. but bits and pieces are not going to get you through this right? you know it. you're going to die.

you took art against their wishes. you took art against your better judgement. and all that time you knew that you were going to regret it. but you foolishly took it anyway and you still foolishly thought that you could cope and perhaps just maybe you wouldn't regret it. well. tough luck. that was never going to happen and now it's too late for regrets. and luck was never ever on your side.

you promised yourself you would see it to the end. well see it through. and watch everything fall apart. watch it. just watch it. your fate is sealed. there's nothing you can do.

and what are you going to do when exams come?
what are you going to do after the exams?
those two free days what are you going to do?
and what are you going to do when you receive your results?
what are you going to do after you receive your results?
how are they going to react to your results?
how are they ALL going to react?
you pretend.
you turn your head the other way
you you're still thinking about it
it's on your mind
all the time.
and you know how they're going to react
and then. what are you going to do?
what are you going to do?

I'm going to die.

we all know that.
-
threading upon a long thin barb wire
your destination on the other side
it's along way off
but you set off
because this feat was thought possible
when you know it's impossible
but you decide to try anyway
because many have done it before
so why couldn't you?

it's so high up
and you never liked heights
you never did
so you're taking steps one at a time
going slow
but the clocks are ticking
you try to speed up
but you can't balance
what are you supposed to do?

you look across to the other side
you can barely see the place
it's so very far off
you've spent so much time
but you've done so little
and you look down
it's so high up
what would happen if you fell?
-

I GIVE UP.

correction. you want to give up.