hey guys
I'm back.
yeah.

it's late i know.

The plane touches down and I remember an ad in hte radio. some old guy goes on about how he's happy to get home. how as the plane touches down, he feels happy. and I laugh at the irony of it as my plane makes its first bounce upon the run way I go, oh shit. I haven't done chinese. The second bounce. oh shit. i haven't done maths homework. the third bounce. oh shit. i haven't done any on my homework. the fourth bounce. oh shit. i have a maths test on monday.

the plane stops it's bounces but thoughts still go on. I haven't studied. I ca'nt remember a thing on plane geog and i'm sure i've forgotten everything on trigo. I turn to my dad and told him. and he sighs. that same old sigh. htat same sigh that has 'dissapointment' written all over it. and i hear it even before the damn bloody test.

I step off the plane. I haven't done any research on geog yet. do i have a lit test this week? oh shit. i haven't read the book yet. and it goes on. i cna't seem to recall tham all now.

and then, i'm rushing. my legs bringing me forward. and i realise that i've been rushing my whole life. but i keep on rushing. rushing somewhere. running from something. trying to outrun something. I. don't. know.

luggage done. all two checked. I ruch after my dad towards the taxi stand. there's a queue and we slow down. and suddenly, i feel tired but my mind continues to think. and i realise that so far my life's been planned out. get into mg pri then affiliate into mg sec. and all the way (try) get good results. and even when they don't say it out, all the damn expectations hang in the air. and i remember when i went to cut my hair. my mum commented on the many numbers of white hair i had. I forced a laugh then. i didn't feel surprised. why wouldn't i have white hair anyway?

then i try to look forward into my future. and i see nothing. the plan ended with my sec life. i didn't know what to do or where to go. go to jc? then uni? and then?

and i just sat in the taxi feeling so hopelessly lost. feeling htat iwas about to tear but feeling that my eyes were just dried up.
---

well, if you read that
don't worry. i'm not falling into depression
i'm just... tired
tired of throwing myself back into themess
and getting tangled in it even more everyday
and even more next year

well
i had to get it all out
if not, ididn't think that i could sleep
sigh

goodnight
---
putting my faith in someone i had no business to do so