I think I'm going to rant. I don't know if anyone would think that I'm too much after they read this, but I'm past the point of caring. maybe I'll regret it later.

Sometimes one just needs the assurance.
I think I need it.

I'm surrounded by so many people, I nowadays, I keep having this feeling of isolation. I keep feeling that I'm alone. And it's just so funny for it to happen at this time. the irony.

I don't remember much of lower primary, but then, I remembered having friends. Quite a few and i think I felt safe with them. Then according to my mum, I started getting anti-social in upper primary. In sec 1, I didn't exactly have that many friends, but most of my stress came from studies. Sec 2, oh dar. It was a strange year. I felt that I had many friends. I felt fine. I felt safe.

Sec 3, I don't know what to say about it. I just don't remember. didn't keep track. But now, I just feel so damn vulnerable. so damn isolated. I don't know why.

I'm having another one of those damn emotional moments. I keep feeling like I'm going to cry. It's been what? two three days since it started? I keep stopping myself. But now I don't care. I don't give a damn if I cry in front of everyone in school, I just want to get it over and done with. Damn the emotions.

I'm getting agitated. Usually I can at least control myself, I wouldn't get so annoyed with people. I've lost count as to how many people I've blown up upon today.

I had all this... energy pent up inside of my today. I tried to work it all out. The two rounds of warm up for PE? I ran until I felt that my lungs couldn't take it anymore. Lousy stamina.

Fighting pain with pain. It doesn't seem to work anymore.

Nowadays, I look at my pen and I think about driving it into my wrist and then dragging it down. I'm not suicidal. I'm really just curious. I want to know how much pain I would feel. how much blood would there be? When I hit the artery would blood really gush out? Will I die form blood loss just like that?

Then during PE today, I was looking down from the 2nd floor while waiting to take my height and weight. and I started thinking. The dist is too short, I won't die if I fall. But, how many limbs would i break? An arm? both arms? a leg? two legs? would I break my neck? My spine?

I think I'm going crazy with thoughts like these running through my head.

I think I really need someone. I need a best friend. I need someone that will be there most of the time. I need someone that won't turn on me no matter what. all these years, I don't think that I've ever had a best friend. maybe in lower pri or maybe lower pri. but after that? I don't know. I simply don't know.

Ranting. Ranting. Ranting. I don't even think that I know what I'm saying. what are my fingers typing out? I don't know what's supposed to be important anymore. I don't know how to place what is most important in my life. I just don't know. There's so many things that I want, but what do I want most? I think I know but I might be wrong.

It's times like these that I feel that I really want a dog. I need one. One of those big bear like dogs. I can hug them all I want.

And I'm quite very sure that that thing is over. I thought I would be sad but good riddance I say. It's over I hope. I don't need anymore complications. But the irony that it would end on this day.

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
If you hate me... you'lll hate me.