Still hoping

2008-06-19T22:01:00.001+08:00

We keep ourselves a mystery
But we provide, provide the clues
So the rest is up to you
and don't forget to check the obvious
We are so serious
So I guess it all comes down to how curious you can be

2008-04-05T23:27:00.006+08:00

hello guys.

i guess i do in a way owe the people on this side a little explaination or just a small update on my life. well, sec 4 is you know *waves hands in vague movements*. well, yeah. and i think i've permanently quit riding for now. even after Os. i think the likelihood of me ever getting back onto a horse is very very small. sigh. it's just... things. you know... things. i'm not at all happy with that, but there really isn't anything i can do about it.

to dawn, jun and kath.
i miss you guys and i dont' think that i'll be seeing you guys anytime soon. ahhwells. say hi to sonny for me. tell him that i love him and really wish that i can ride him again or had been able to ride him before i had to stop.

i love you guys too.

michelle.
UPDATE your blog. how long have you gotten back from spain eh? ahhwells. i hope you're alright. take care yeah?

see you guys around.

and all i want to do sometimes is just to hug you and cry
that scene, i've imagined it so many times in my head
but now i'm letting it slip by with a silent sigh
maybe to see you again, there really is no way

strange that i should feel that i miss you the most
but i guess you always try to cling onto what you think will disappear
i had you in my arms, now i'm losing and you're quite lost
but i'll go on with me life and soon it won't feel weird

i think of you because you could give me freedom
on your back splashing across the sands
and you did give me trouble at times, so i didn't fear boredom
but now i finger that braid of your hair and ask myself "when?"

it is really unfair for me to complain about this
since many never experienced what i had with you
but because i had you and now i don't, you i really do miss
but i can't help it, i just miss the times i had with you

funny and silly i fine this whole chunk of a poem
why writing to you who won't ever read, you can't even read
it's only to me that'll remember all those moments
only me that'll regret when i come back and read

who cares really then? just one girl who lost her dream
just one girl who lost something that many never had
just one girl out of so many more in a realm
i could cry, i could frustrate, but who's going to care?

i think it's more than just having to quit riding
more than just losing you to another
more like i'm sometimes wondering why i'm living
and you were conveniently just there to make it feel better

in ways unknown and ununderstandable to many
you were and are important in my life
and this whole scene i still find quite laughable and funny
and i still can't help but keep asking why

i look back and i can see all the connections that others cannot
i can look back and replay whatever scenes i still remember
i'm asking and screaming "why?" and the wind whispers happily "why not?"
and to that i can't say anything but shiver

it's a late night now, almost midnight
the time when reality returns with a new day
not that it matters, i can't vision dreams at night
and each day is supposedly a new day

where and what are new beginnings?

as promised (a long long time ago><)

2008-02-21T18:33:00.002+08:00

like i promised long long time ago. here's the puzzle that i did michelle. pics are terribly but ohhwells. haha. you can come see it when you come this christmas(:

the top left of the picture killed my eyes >< it's just black and black and black
closeup.

so yeah. love ya michelle. come over and we can do a puzzle together again^^
<3

2008-02-08T13:06:00.000+08:00

this is probably the most boring looking blog but do you see me caring?
nope.
ohhwells.

i'll let it slip through my fingers and watch it drown below the ripples.

2008-01-20T18:12:00.000+08:00

Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No not for you
If you just stay with me
We can make it through

So here we are again
Same old arguement
And now I'm wondering
If things'll ever change, yeah

When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We made noise till 3 am
And the neighbors would complain

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time

2008-01-19T19:29:00.001+08:00

i kept on trying and falling trying and falling trying and falling
i was dizzy but the teacher looked like she expected me to be able to do it
so i kept on trying.

sigh.
and i still failed.
terribly.

what's new?

ladeeda. this blog is revived! yay!

michelle;
did you try to call me today? i saw your missed call about two minutes after you put the phone down i supose. I miss you terribly dear. i'll send you my timetable soon kays? and i'll put a pic of the puzzle here soon like i promised.
*hugs* i hope you're doing okay.

2007-12-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS;

2007-12-23T16:17:00.001+08:00

Someone had said in a way that I should update. So update I shall.

it's annoying like the staggering of a broken record player.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Carolling yesterday.
it was fun?
yeah, I guess it was in a way
I didn't lose my voice so I'm quite happy.
we are the reason is still my favourite song<3

It is still unofficial and uncomfirmed but i think john's gonna be my sunday school teacher next year.
He went and said somthing like "You'll be seeing more of me next year. hinthint"
yes i think i get the hint?
i have mixed feelings about that
~~just like everything else~~
but i'm really quite okay, he's not that bad a teacher^^

I am really starting to think that I am nocturnal.
I've been unable to sleep until it is about 3-5 am for the past few days? weeks? ><
I'm so screwed for school.
HAHA.
and i don't think that coffee works on me/:
I'm screwed. wheeee(:
~~about everything~~

I'm thinking too much backwards into the past
and too much forward into the future of things.
I'm thinking on things far-fetched and imaginary.
I"m thinking on things that are anything
but the hard core of present reality.

2007-12-03T23:16:00.000+08:00

2007-12-01T22:49:00.000+08:00

Performance i guess was somewhat terrible because in the first one, one girl made a huge mistake and the whole thing was kinda messed out. And then from there we all made so many blunders.

there were these other groups i think they were doing hip hop. I wanted to see but i didn't have time. I shall do so tomorrow.

i hate gel but because my hair is now short they said they had to spray it.

wells.
three down, three more to go.

whee.

smile she said.

2007-11-27T22:26:00.000+08:00

VBS was honestly quite great. Especially after listening to Oreo and Michelle describe their classes. They make me feel that compared to their classes, my class are absolute angels. But i had already thought that before talking to them, compared to my last two classes they are seriously really really guai. A nice evident proof would be that I'm here typing when all the other times in VBS I fell asleep right after VBS, ~~or maybe it was that awful sip of coffee i had over dinner~~. There's just one girl that's a little difficult. Her problems are just so petty. I don't know what to do with her. But the rest of the class is great, so let us leave it at that.

My camera died on me): and the lighting in the sanctuary makes everyone orange.

Tuition tomorrow.

oh and dear all here's a lovely notice to you all (~~though many of you don't usually come here~~)

my phone is kinda like the prepaid card and cut the long story short, i need to use my phone more so if anyone wants to talk or even through messaging to like some random person cause you're bored or because of something or other, you can try me.
I seriously need to use my phone more.

2007-11-26T15:12:00.000+08:00

VBS preparations are going slowly.
I still haven't finished my painting.
I'm already done
*counts*
about 14-15 hours of drawing and painting.
>< Terrible.
got cramps on my right leg from painting for about seven hours):

I wasn't able to see the other decorations):
that's just sad.
I have to go early to church tomorrow.
sigh.
whee(:

I never ever want to be in TZ camp committee ever again.
it's just chaos.
sigh.
i don't know what to do at all.
it's so annoying.
sigh.

--- what's the point of this?

2007-11-21T22:45:00.001+08:00

the longer you drag this on the more you'll have to do later on just to make up for it
i know
the longer you wait the worse it's going to be later
i know
the longer you do nothing the more you'll regret later
i know
then do something
do what?
deal with it
how?
you know how.
i don't want to face it
we can really go on about this forever... you're going to have to face it in the end.
i know.

2007-11-20T20:47:00.000+08:00

i like the front part of laycrymosa. i think it's the violin playing?

ahhwells.

i wonder if i'm thinking too much into things
i wonder if i'm interpreting things wrongly

2007-11-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

i rode Lobo today
The impression he has on me is just this lump of a horse that refuses to move no matter what you do

But he was different today
so so so very different
He felt quite sensitive
to the bit and the whip
But towards the end he started cutting corners
but Nicola said i did well
so i shall just be satisfied with that.

That really cheered me up.
Not that I really needed it in the first place.

and Lobo's huggable.

2007-11-12T10:03:00.000+08:00

it's raining now caro
but i'm sure you've noticed
hope you're happy about it

let's list down the things i have to do

1. draw the VBS logo (that is going to be as big as a notice board)
2. start doing my lesson for VBS (i have no idea what i'm going to do)
3. do self portrait w/ friend (i hate self portraits and paper size is A1 if i rmb correctly)
4. do art assignment themed 'damaged' (as stupid as it seems, i'm going to paint this)
5. try out this year's higher art paper (only problem is that i've lost it)
6. study A maths (oh joy)
7. revise all my other subjects (I have a feeling i'm not going to do this)
8. read more (my poor english grade)

so when put into categories it's
-VBS
-School

yay. makes me feel a hell lot better.

I'm sure i've missed out some things

this post has little point
if any at all
-

~~I'm not so dependent on this anymore~~
I'm not dependent on this anymore~

2007-11-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

some things will just disappear on you.
turn away and when you turn back it's gone

for some times
they'll come back
but most times it's highly doubtable that they'll be back

things change
adaptation
adaptable.

two more weeks to the performance
which means two more weeks to the start of december
which means 6 more weeks to the start of a new year
6 more weeks to school

i'm indecisive
about.. things
but why am i when most things are out of my control?

wells.
i still have VBS to look forward to
no i'm not being sacarstic
not exactly^^

ahhwells.
ladeeda.
i can't wait for next thurs.

eternity of stars falling.

2007-11-09T19:40:00.001+08:00

it's snowing

winter's come again

and will i stay sane?

watch the raven take wing

my hair feels longer.
somewhat/:
i have half a mind to go cut it
but then there's nothing to cut

sometimes i wonder if actually miss my long hair
then i think about how i would feel if i still did have it
and i think i would have cut it anyway then

ohh the randomness.

2007-11-09T14:58:00.000+08:00

I think i am starting to like to eat bread a lot.

ahhwells, I"m tired and I"m s__r__

I have to start writing michelle's letter
yes yes i haven't started yet.
and i have to get started on VBS stuff

-
just crushing.

2007-11-08T19:41:00.000+08:00

Everyone needs compassion

A love that's never failing

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

A kindness of a Savior

The hope of nations

My Savior

He can move the mountains

My God is Mighty to save

He is Mighty to save

Forever

Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow

Everything i believe in

Now i surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see

We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

I saw the lyrics and i guess it just struck me.

i have an image of walking in a blank space

there's nothing there

only whiteness, not just some fuzzy haze

there used to be people

there used to be buildings

there used to be colours

there used to be so many things

there used to be.

now it's just a blinding whiteness

and then i close my eyes to darkness

2007-11-08T16:05:00.000+08:00

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

My Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything i believe in
Now i surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

-

you know, once i think about it,
the holiday to australia
really was a holiday for me
from everything
here.

-

the trip to aussie i must say was fun
unexpectedly so.

at the airport, val forgot her passport
but it got to her in time

ride there was... not good
couldn't find a good position to sleep in
i can't remember what happened on the first morning
but ohhwells

my roommates were val, steph, min feng, joanne and nicloe low
we had... fun at night
everyone went high on cocoa pops (ESPECIALLY val)
i have many many many pictures that i can blackmail val with
but to go through the whole process of blackmailing is too troublesome
hmm. whee(:

on the first morning
we were brought shopping
but me and ming just walked round the place till it was time
val steph nic and jo were all looking at clothes

i really can't remember what happened next
but there on the 2nd or 3rd day
we went whale watching
it was cool though i couldn't get a close shot of it
was the first i think to spot the sprout
got a crunchie for that(:
it was cool though
saw a whale do breeching from a distant away
and my camera decided then to run out of battery):

we had two snorkeling trips
one was in brisbane the other on green island
that one was just terrible
the water was freezing cold and we could barely see anything
and then on that very night
i fell sick. really really really sick
the only idiot that fell sick
totally lost my appetite
fever was so terrible that i felt that the heat i was giving out was so great that my bed couldnt absorb it fast enough so it was reflected at back at me
prayed really hard so get well and i was so sure that it would take me days to recover
but i recovered in one night
i'm grateful for that.

the next day of that was movie world
it was really really really cool
i got hugged and petted by tweety ._.
and i went on my very first crazy roller coaster: Superman Escape
haha. unexpectedly went high after that
went to many other rides as well like scooby doo
i can't believe that i actually like all the thrills from roller coasters
expected myself to be scared

then the next day of that we took a plane to cairns
then we went onto the skyrail
it was long and fun
kept on scaring ming by stating when we were going down
whee. the view was lovely

afterthat, went to reef tech
learnt a hell lot about marine stuff
the whole lecture got me all excited about it
and i was considering not going at first cause i didn't want to fall sick again
but then i just had to go after that
so snorkeling the next day
and just seeing it all just made me think that all my other snorkeling trips were just a waste of money
but that was seriously really worth it
so if you ever wanna go snorkeling fo green island. it is worth it
water was clear and warm so unlike the first one
and we saw blue spotted sting rays, only above the water though
and clown fishes. ming said they were common but i only saw the two that crystal pointed outnd parrot fishes that were 2 1/2 times of my hand
there's suppose to be a huge wrasse by the name of wally
really really huge fish as seen in the photos
but we didn't see him):
nor did we see sharks or turtles):

whee. this is getting long.

then... i think it was the second last day of the trip
went to a few plantations/factories: chocolate and cheese, coffee and milk
milk and the chocolate and cheese factory wasn't all that good
we only watched a video for the chocolate and cheese factory
and the place smelled weird
i would rather have stayed outside with the cows
but the bull wasn't so happy
the coffee plantation was cool though
drank my first cup of cappuchino
it was nice. though i don't see myself ever getting addicted to it

so that's it i think
i'm afraid that i didn't buy much stuff for anyone
i'm so sorry
but i'm afraid that's what you get when your friend's a bit too sensible
or (if you like this better)
when your friend just doesn't know how to shop
or if you have your own version that's fine by me
sigh
wells. it's just that nothing seemed to be worth buying so i'm sorry):
-

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing GodAll powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

2007-10-31T09:25:00.000+08:00

I lie when I say that I have a lot of time.

I know it.

I just wish that I can lie better to myself.

you said before that the life we live in
we're running in a circle, that's how we're livin'
round and round with no end in sight
an endless circle with no where to hide

I'm tired
and i have an headache.
I'm still packing.
Sigh, but i don't really have any motivation to do it
or anything for the matter.

fade out of existence
what's happened since?

I don't know.
I really don't know.
It just seems impossible.
Just everything.

No it doesn't seem impossible,
it simply doesn't seem possible.

I'm asking how.
I'm getter no answers.

I'm leaving tonight.
bye to anyone still around.
I'll be back on the 7th night

if there's a gap
get someone else to fill it for you.

2007-10-30T20:00:00.000+08:00

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say

Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

-
Third song lyrics of the day.
i haven't heard of this before today.
i really think i'm spending too much time on the comp ._.
and my eyes are going to pay
maybe it's good that i'm going australia
where i definitely won't be spending so much time here
but i can' help it
i don't have anything else to do
the two other books that i bought are long and draggy.

hmm.

Live in a world of imagination

i neeed more songs):
-

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry

-
hmm, i'm in a better mood i suppose
thank you to cyeo for entertaining me.

-

they treat you like they would a child
but just to make them hwppy
play along; their silly game of happiness

2007-10-30T18:23:00.000+08:00

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy

[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every colour
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Than always staying in
Feel the wind

[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean

[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

Let's go back
Back to the beginning

-
A hilary duff song of all things
i have no idea how it popped into my head

2007-10-30T00:02:00.001+08:00

cyeo-
you know. i just increased my budget.
just for you
just so that i can get something for you
and my dad's complaining about it
ain't i sweet?
and yes i'm trying to make you feel guilty
~~although i was going to increase it anyway.~~ but you don't need to know that.
you want sth slytherinenish?
can i just get you a toy snake?

ohhwells.

michelle-
good luck for chem and spanish test
chem for it's ~~stupidity~~ complexity
and spanish for its... what was it again?
irregular verbs? nouns?
OHWELLS.
good luck for your IRREGULAR WORDS.
can't go wrong there(:
I'll get you sth too
although i don't know what. and i no, i am not going to get you a freaking lion.
although in the distant future, i can buy you a ticket to africa
and throw you into a pack of lions
especially those maneless man-eating ones
but they're quite rare):

does anyone want anything else?
although i really don't know what is there in movie world

-

opposite snoitmoe

i don't belong do i now?

[edit/]

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over

You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try
So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not toOver and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

-

I walked in the rain
I'm now quite soaked(:
was sorely tempted to walk all the way home
but i had my sketchbook with me
my bag material seemed quite thick but i didn't want to push it too much

i saw oreo on the bus
haven't talked to her for quite some time

i volunteered to bring my laptop for sabs
somehow i now wish i didn't
then again
i don't care

i'm very tempted to just walk away
and just go my own way
minding my own business

I suppose i have a lot of things to do today
i haven't even started packing
but you know what?
i don't feel like doing it

hmm, i bet i sound like some spoilt kid
well. deal with it.
however way you think best
i very much don't care

what happened to the girl who did care?
and to break rules she never did dare

she's neither here nor there
she's gone, long gone
but don't look so forlorn
cause she doesn't care
-

I don't care
you mean you-
screw that. I SAID I DON"T CARE.
And i'm sure you know what you want and what you want to say.

2007-10-29T16:36:00.000+08:00

i've been on the com all day
fun.
i've been trying to entertain myself with bleach
fun.
i'm going crazy with thoughts running round my head.
even more fun.

i just feel so screwed.

no, even sleep isn't enough and then i start wondering how it would be to simply stop existing. no, not die. just stop existing.

and why would you care really?

and you. you're screwing my life even more
then again, it doesn't matter

2007-10-28T17:55:00.000+08:00

for some reason i feel sad.
no other word. just sad.

i went kino today.
bought 4 books
i'm happy about that
i'm going to bring two of the thickest to australia
i need to pull up on my english
cause i really don't want to write some stupid compo about helping a kid find his wallet late at night in the rain for my o levels
that was just sad.
even if the teacher gave me quite high for it.

i went taka so that i could get sunblock as well
but i came home and realised that i had forgotten
screw lah/:

somthing i realised today made me think again, but i'm not sure if it has any significance at all.

I"m not sure why.
but i feel that i might cry

literally or not literally so?
did i put cry simply because it rhymes with why?
that's up to you to decide

i close my eyes and a sigh forms or was that a gasp?

I'm just frustrated and it mounts to anger
~~i might just start hating the world again. or maybe i already am.~~

somtimes you have somthing to say.
but they never go your way
and you're simply reminded
it isn't your place to say.

2007-10-27T21:19:00.000+08:00

caro-
someone's good at word stuff i see ><
i suck at that kind of stuff
next time i shall just leave the whole thing blank
how long did it take for you to figure?
anyway if you need help with your new dehli stuff
i'm really more than happy to help
my monday is totally free
so yeah
*hugs* take care friend and cheer up

btw i could find no tomato or onion bread. what brand was it?

today was just... a bore
nothing bad happened
i simply ~~wasted~~ slept the whole morning and afternoon away
if i wasn't sleeping i tried watching bleach

keyword: tried

i can't help it
it's a nice anime and all but it's boring me
flashy stuff here and there
wheee how fun.
i think i lost my passion/love for manga and anime and their like
i don't even watch tv anymore
or movies or whatever

sigh.

i need somthing to do damnit.

i drank 3 huge glasses of water in the morning
my lips are still cracked and dry

i'm waiting dreading for that feeling to sink in again
and i'm still asking myself how i became like this.

i need to get a book before i go australia.

2007-10-26T15:49:00.000+08:00

today's the last day of school
i guess i'm going to have a little next to unlimited free time
hmm.

let's talk about mundane things
since i haven't done so for a long time

i have to do a self portrait painting of myself and another
that. just that alone makes me consider dropping art
i don't mind leading a normal life of only 8 subjects

the drawing on my wrist has smudged except for three parts of it
and there's smudges on my watch.
*proceeds to draw more on hand*

sabs meeting on tues
what are we supposed to do? I can't remember.
i'll just copy the whole of geog text
all the stuff's just rainforest, marine and mangrove
i'll have to do some research on marine

whee.
i'm tired.

---
I_O__TI_N

I guess it begins now.

2007-10-25T15:35:00.000+08:00

i always knew it was there
i made myself think i didn't care
but it's so obvious now
and i start asking how?

all my life it's been there
dealing by saying i don't care
but that excuse has worn thin
i'm not sure what that can mean

it's hard to face something
something you thought meant nothing
it's so hard to face it
let alone solve it

things are much more complicated
this thing i've always hated
it doesn't make sense
that i should feel so tense

but it hasn't started, no, not truly
or to myself i'm tricking really
it's simple to solve
but, no, you wouldn't want to be involved

maybe i'll take a reckless dive
and hopefully come back sane and alive
but i'm sure i'll still be living
i'll live to face this again.

and again and again and again
until it WILL stop mattering.

2007-10-24T21:41:00.000+08:00

I'm angry and i don't know why
i'm angry and i can't get rid of it

i'm just angry

2007-10-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

today's message was: Loving People
basically you can't love God if you can't love people
that and today's incident made me rethink my resolve
but it's making me tired
all this switching from this to that and that to this
just because i'm having doubts
I'm so fickle-minded
what everyone says is the same
but it's just so hard
since i suppose in a way i screwed up my past

caro-
i think you're going to misinterpret me again
i meant that it was an understatement
because in that 'everyday' i was crying
so yeah. i hope that finally makes sense
and i forgot to say.
you're a great friend. so just chill. *hugs*

michelle-
don't be jealous dear
i will always love you and be there for you
and yeah i got your letter
am currently debating on how long i'm going to take
haha. but i'll send it before i go australia
or maybe when i'm in australia
*hugs*
-

If i speak in tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have not love, i am nothing. If i give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Corinthians 13:1-7

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Corinthians 13:13

Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts especially the gift of prophecy.

Corinthians 14:1

It's hard. but no one ever said that the right way was easy.

2007-10-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

someone tell me what to do.

and how is anyone supposed to react to that?

then again i'm quite resigned
if only my emotions would agree

I turn to look
you're not there
but really, who cares?

that silly stubborn ~~REALLY LOUD~~ voice in me.

2007-10-19T21:40:00.000+08:00

Even water the weakest thing on earth can wear away tough hard rock.

that's what one of the passages in my chinese tuition is about
and then we reach this question
"what thoughts do you have on the 'water' in this passage?"
the teacher decides to ask me

I ask a pointless question just to stall
I wanted to say 'i'm gonna try harder at my exam/studies.'
but i stopped
and when she was done i gave my answer
"I believe that even if somthing seems hard or impossible, we should not stop ourselves from tackling it just because we are afraid."

but i suppose.
it is the same. in a rather round about way.

But i wonder.
was that my best?
if not
what is my best?
half killing myself from studying?
or totally killing myself from studying?

So clever, whatever, I'm done with these endeavors
Alone I'll walk the winding way (here I stay)
It's over, no longer, I feel it growing stronger
I live to die another day, until I fade away

Why give up? Why give in?
It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become, desolate
It's not enough, it never is
But I will go on until the end

and i'm pretty surprised that i haven't been asked to drop lit

I'm wondering how screwed up i am
and no, i'm not meaning this the usual way(s).

nothing works anymore.
and scribbles
all the pretty lines and pretty shapes
they don't make sense nor do they have any significant meaning.
i'm just stuck.
there is no way.

you know, for almost everything
i tried as best as i could to stick to the rules
~~but you know what?~~
~~people who don't are doing better than me.~~
~~some things are just making me question things that for a really long time~~
~~for my whole life have believed/trusted in.~~
~~i'm questioning them all.~~

cyeo, thanks for being there today.

2007-10-19T02:44:00.000+08:00

I want to stop t______.

I want to stop h_____.

I want to stop c_____.

I want to stop c_____.

~~Where hope meets disappointment.~~

Where hope was never meant to be.

2007-10-18T00:06:00.000+08:00

cyeo-
i love you too darling. thanks.
and didn't you know? i wanted to give you a hug after geog
but you walked out too fast
and my brain worked too slow
so, sorry. *hugs* love you friend.

i haven't told my parents either
don't intent to.
mm, you know the chalet you're planning?
think you can organise it on the day we get our report?
so we can all slip the paper under the door and run.
think we could do that?(:

caro-
you deserve your A for physics i say
we all saw how you studied(:
and it's okay to cry really but i don't think it's good to hide it all yeah?
it's just.. hmm, that way. *hugs*
don't cry to sleep either.
you'll get swollen eyes. not very nice hmm?
everyone has the right to cry. *hugs*

and you do help dear.
we i just can't stop crying i suppose.

joy-
i don't know what to say to you about art
i mean. it's your choice ultimately.
but. art is really something like.. for fun?
ok maybe not but for leisure?
and well. if taking art in a hectic life of school might kill your joy for art
then maybe.
but since you enjoy taking art lessons. then maybe.
but art is seriously time consuming.
but and you have the whole of holidays to practice(:

*hugs* don't fret so much
and don't stone so much either.
we already have someone from the stone age
don't think that you wanna join her(:
nor do we need another.
ah, and remember to do the art design shit yeah?
it's well. uh. helpful i guess. even if it's shit.

oh and a belated congrats on your lit.(:
you'll hit your A1 mark next time for sure.

cassie-
well. you don't really come here i suppose.
but just on the off chance. here's one for you.(:

you kinda left ~~early~~ for worship practice..
i hope you didn't get scolded.
well don't worry about art so much too yeah?
haha. your painting skill are actually really good.
you just need to learn to speed paint.

oh. and if we take sova we'll have to stay back on a seperate day.
don't really want to.. but are you taking?
but if we take sova we don't have to take the 3hr painting thing.

*hugs*
and remember to take pics for me on 1st nov can?

I love all you guys.
---

it is technically thursday
so it has been abt 5 days since i last ranted
i'm surprise i lasted that long
but now i'm going to break that silence.

i really have a lot to say
for each and every subject i have things to ~~talk~~ whine about
and since i take 9. well 10 if you wanna count halfgeog and ss as seperate subjects
that's seriously a lot things
so i'll just skip that.
and there's marking days.
it was only 5 days.
but it was enough to let me taste what it's going to be like in the two months
aka 60+ days of holidays.
hmm. didn't you know what happened to me then?
hmm. you don't really want to know.
nothing happened. but you still don't want to know.

"you ask why to a lot of things and you wind up very unhappy indeed."

but i'm still asking why
questions keep floating as i cry.

i am just a total mess.
but i've calmed down. somehow.
~~i really just wanted to call someone.~~
~~but that's foolish yes? no?~~
if you say no then tell me bluntly
~~yes bluntly cause i'm totally clueless on this topic~~
~~tell me what things are worth a call.~~
~~and when can i call?~~

sigh.
what else can i say so that this won't be long?
nothing i suppose.

goodnight.

[edit/]

I'm screwed.

~~fuck it all.~~

and you're not helping.
screw you.screw you screw you screw you screw you screw you screw you screw you screw you.
fck you.

~~don't you know?i've never ever felt so useless, hopeless, helpless in my whole life.~~

-------------------
I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one I need
I turn to You and You are always there

In troubled times, it's You I seek
I put You first that's all I need
I humble all I am, All to You

One way, Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One way, Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are always, always there
Every hour and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end

One way, Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One way, Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
x2

You are the Way, the Truth and the Life
We live by faith and not by sight
For You, we're living all for You
x4

One way, Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
One Way, Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for

---

You are the Way, the Truth and the Life
We live by faith and not by sight
For You, we're living all for You

let me remember that.
please let me remember that.

2007-10-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARO.

I'm colour blind. don't know what oragne you like. (;

2007-10-13T11:39:00.000+08:00

I feel like i'm going to do something reckless cause i feel like it.
i just need some kind of change instead of feeling the same old rapid choatic changes that don't stop. I just want to be able to contorl something.
and i suppose. i don't make sense again.
wells. nothing's supposed to make sense.

~~where are you now i'm asking.~~

but i suppose. it doesn't matter.
and when i say that
i shall smile.

2007-10-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

I wonder.

there's nothing to wonder about.

-
I suppose one could say that I'm becoming more rebellious
*shurgs*
I'm a teenager.
Deal with it.

cassie-
My mum dragged me all the way to plaza sing
to get my foot checked. so yeah.
i shall go look at it after this(:

caro-
i shall be bringing my camera!
(:
well. that is if i can find it.

-

I'm going to be free the whole of tmr
since dance has been cancelled
hmmmmmm.
ohhwells.
i'll find ways to entertain myself.

sigh.

i think
CIP's screwed
wheeeeeeee

~~but i think we all knew that.~~

-
i'm wondering again

about what? there's nothing to think upon.

-
You're screaming
i'm not listening

"they would not touch through the crystal barrier"

---
seeing you write that to her
well
it just makes me sad i suppose
and regretful and well i don't know
guilty too i suppose
because i actually don't care
at least not as much as i did before
at least not as much as how i'm suppose to

and i suppose
now
i wonder why

"if you ask why to a lot of question you wind up very unhappy indeed."

sigh.

~~I feel like just talking to someone~~
~~and just keep on talking and talking~~
~~until this person or i can somehow make sense of it~~
~~whatever it can be that can be made into some sort of sense~~
~~and then i can stop being bothered by it~~
~~but there's of course no point~~
~~cause all that can ever come out is just crap~~
~~and no one can make sense of that~~
~~and no one wants to be bothered with that anyway~~

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

sian.

2007-10-12T12:45:00.000+08:00

I suppose i can't blame you for not understanding
since you did try i suppose
but i guess i didn't really want you to understand
but i did try

but could you really have understood it?

but i suppose it can't be helped
since no one else but i know

-

it's hard trying to be positive

[edit/]

can you tell that i'm not listening anymore?
i just can't be bothered with what you have to say
since all that seems to come out is just really.. nothing.

maybe you're trying
and maybe it's not working cause i'm not trying

but i really don't care
at the moment
hopefully

I'm tired of just every single thing.

2007-10-11T19:12:00.000+08:00

"______s are very important"

you stated that in a very matter-of-fact way.
but so many emotions, thoughts, memories,
conflict with that one simple statement.
but to contradict you, i will never say.

2007-10-11T10:51:00.000+08:00

yes caro. i know i'm crazy(:
cause i burst out into hysterical laughter when i read your post(:
thanks for the concern(:
i'm fine. (perhaps not sane though) (:
i have no idea what i was doing. tralalalalala(:
and i handed in moment a long long long time ago(:
i don't like to say it out loud cause cassie shrieked at me the last time):
(i spelt shrieked incorrectly there. and i shall blame cyeo!)
and i made her really really really distressed):
and yeah i was asleep.(:
but now i'm awake. and i'm quite happy.(:

look at all the smilies, they freak me out ><

i hope your day goes well.
---

"there is no such thing as coincidence"

quote from at least two books i'm sure
i think it's a common one.

wells. then thank God.
i think He's planning my holiday for me so that i won't go insane(:
thank you.

thank God really.
for bringing me through the exams (somewhat) sane and alive and every little thing as well.(:

hmm.

today's thursday.

and it is not the thursday two weeks ago in which i was going to have art exam
and it is not the thursday one week ago in when i was going to have my bio exam
today's thursday is in the week in which i'm guessing that i will go insane
but let's leave that for another day
thursdays are the days in which i get to see my darling
even if i won't ride him (but let's save this for another time as well)
today, even if i don't ride him
and some little kid whom i'm supposed to help get on, rides him
i shall hug him, make a whole fuss of him, then help the kid get on
i shall try and be grateful
and then after riding
i shall whine and whine and whine and whine until the instructor gives in and gives sonny to me next week.

whee.
yes i was talking crap
but at least i'm not full of crap(:
or any kind of crap.

2007-10-11T02:10:00.000+08:00

it's 2:10 AM
whee. it's late.
or maybe i should say it's early!

i was going to say

I think I can stop worrying now

but now
the next day
(it is technically)
i can't.
i had a nightmare
and it's fcked up my moods.):
that's just sad. seriously.
since i had this most positive attitude
that i made me think i would survive.

yes caro.
i know i'm fine.
i am(:
whee.
just need to find something again.

and have fun with the hairdresser tmr. well today(:

I should stop worrying
but worry can't be switched off just like that.

it's over, look out below
i'm wasted, so wasted
yeah it's so hard to let go
breathe now and breathing out

i can't remember the rest

and i've made so many spelling and typo errors in this post alone. vv

I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours

Mother used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
But mother never danced through fire shower

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Is it right or is it wrong
and is it here that I belong

I don't hear a sound
Silent faces in the ground
The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen

If there is a hell
I'm sure this is how it smells
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't

-- Steve Conte - "Rain"

2007-10-09T20:01:00.001+08:00

words are easier said than done most times
so i guess that's why
actions are worth more that words

ahhwells.

everything seems to be able to go both ways.

if things happen
they happen
and there's nothing you can do
isn't it?

that can go three ways
or maybe
it's really just two

my right ankle and knee hurts!):
but i didn't even run
not for a long long long time
so whyyy?):

i guess that i regret that things happen
regret that it happened as it did
i guess i will regret what i'm sure is to come
but there's really nothing i can do anymore
is there?

and that can go two ways i suppose

i wonder
i wonder
i wonder
but my mind's still a deary blank
or in deary chaos

"stick to the firemen Montag! all else is deary chaos!"

whee.
lit quotes
AFTER lit.

hmm.

what can you infer from that?

i feel like ranting again.
and it's probable going to be nonsencical trash

wells.

sigh.

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.

if it gets long
don't bother reading
i'll just be wasting you time(:
in fact just don't bother

i'm scared of things.
whether it's in my control or not
i'm still afraid

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

SIGH.

i don't even know what i'm talking about
i feel like.
a sense of foreboding

hmm.
was that spelt right?

the tv's getting annoying
it's so loud
and eveything doesn't make sense
as in they dont' mean anything
it's just noise and noise and noise
and more noise

like parlor walls!
whee
it's loud
it's bright and colourful
but thank goodness
it's small

but it's still noisy

i miss _______
fill in the blank for me
i don't know
i just don't know
i just don't know at all

I've lost _____
fill that in for me as well

I want _____
and that too

the time for filling in blanks for exam scripts are over
but there are still so many blanks that i should know
but answers i dont' have so everything's a deary blank

sigh

sigh

sigh

i suppose.
i don't know.

hmm.
it's long already
maybe i'll delete it all since its useless

i tried reading it again
but i didn't get past the first page
before i tore it up
it tore quite obdiently into half
and then quaters
and then to pieces till it was too thick to be torn
then i rolled it up into a ball
it fit perfectly into the palm of my hand
and for the first time
it looked small and insignificant
it looked manageble
it looked...?
but i suppose that's because i can't see what's written anymore

hmm.

chasing butterflies flown in the cold winter wind

that came out... in drips and draps
first it was chasing butterflies
then it was chasing butterflies in the wind
and then it was chasing butterflies in the cold winter wind
and finally it was chasing butterflies flown in the cold winter wind

whee.

weird words
since.
it's not possible

hmm.

i don't know what to do

like.
it's not even marking days
and the feeling's sinking in
wells.
how's it going to be when it is the marking days?
or the holidays
i don't even know what i'm feeling
or what i'm dreading
or whatever
i'm so weird

i guess i'm just afraid of having nothing to do
or is it something else?

i can't run anymore
i can't hide anymore
but facing the problem
is like facing an angry bull
and it's about to charge

hmm.

i guess that can go both ways as well
or three

who knows?

how long can this get i wonder?

i miss doing a lot of things i suppose
and i just can't seem to remember them
so how am i missing them?
how are you supposed to miss somthing you can't remember?
like seriously
really really really.
it's so silly.

everything's silly i guess.
and everything's a mess.

hey that rhymes!

wheee(:

i really wonder how things were
how things will be
how did things start
and how will things end
i used to have a feeling of sureness
and a feeling of ... security i suppose

and now it's gone.
poof!

no fanciful magic tricks
no fanciful sound effects
it was simply gone.

hmm.

just gone.

i wonder
once i face that matter
will all my emotional issues have been for naught?
will it all have been my imagination?
somehow i wish it so. somehow i don't
hmm.
i will just have to see
quite soon
should i be happily anticipating it?
cause i'm quite definitely dreading it
wells

"if a problem gets too burdensome, into the furnace it goes"

whee.
if that was possible
maybe
but it isn't is it?

hmm.
and this is just something i suppose that i have to face alone
i have to figure it out on my own
but consequences
and the responsibilities..

"it's real beauty lies in it's ability to destroy responsibilities and consequences"

i think i memorised that wrongly
but i'm not going to check
cause i said that i'm not going to open another text book till i have to
which is hopefully never

i wonder
i wonder
i wonder

hmm.

i suppose it won't matter in time to come
but it matters now
and it's causing a mess of everything
because i still care
maybe i should wait for time to dilute the emotions
and then just go on
or i can take action now
but what?

and still.
i fear.

perhaps the answer is simple
the model answer is there
but i don't quite agree with it
cause textbook answers are just
so structured. so fixed. so rigid
so wrong.

but i have no answers of my own.

2007-10-09T17:26:00.001+08:00

since exams are unofficially over
let's do some reflections shall we?

lets see.
this year's end year exams were the most stressful ever
i cried the most over this
stressed the most over this
went crazy the most over this
emotions went the most crazy over this

exams have never ever been this stressful for me

and now it's over. or almost
hmm.
what do i feel?

i don't know. i seriously don't know.
what am i supposed to feel?
free or worry?
joy or fear?

school's about to end.
sabs will start soon
and then school hols.
hmm.
then a new year

i dread. i dread. i dread.

hmm..

fading is this silly pretense,
sinking in is common sense,
reality is crushing,
like four walls closing,
smiles fold and fall apart.
now where thou art?

sigh.

i am trying to draw again
keyword once again is trying.

it's not working
whee.
and i actually owe ppl.
haha.
they've been asked for long ago
ahh wells. hopefully i've improved
so i can use that as an excuse.

tmr's chinese
hmmm.

i still feel like crashing my head into a wall
but that's just plain stupid.

about things
i sometimes wonder
and then i start to consider
if these things are really worth
the time spent to ponder
upon which it might not matter
sooner or later

2007-10-08T22:51:00.001+08:00

caro-
heeeeeey. at least i tried okay?
wheee. screeeeeeeeeeew lit.
aaaaaaaaaand everything else.
oh yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
and my friend told me that exams are actually better than normal school days
wheeeeeeeeeeee. which i guess is quite true. if you know you facts. which i jolly well don't.
so yaaaaaaaaaaaay. i'm going crazy. and i'm gonna go even crazier during marking days. yay me!
joy and cassie told me about that hugging thing
wheeeeeeeeeee. feels weird. tralalalaladeeda deeda deeda deeda. if i just go and hug someone.
haha. i know why. one incident affected me that's all. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

and i barely ranted about lit. (:

whee's are getting boring.
SO WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
yay!
-

i was drawing.
and you came along and told me to stop drawing
i stopped
and i realise
it was because of that kind of statement from you that
i stopped drawing
that i couldn't draw anymore
that drawing stopped being my way out
well thanks. again.

ohhhhh wells.
my tutor did some of the sums in the paper for me
and i got one log question right!
YAY!

someone's being annoying.
bloody damn annoying.
shut up won't you?

so 3 marks for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
so i'm not going to get a zero!!!
i feel so accomplished!

shut up please.

2007-10-08T14:14:00.000+08:00

[edit/]

cyeo-
um well. i hope that you'll be fine
i'm not in physics so i'm afraid that i can't help you there
but well. *hugs* if you need one.

caro-
i wasn't able to see how you were faring after your lit
but i hope it went well?
and though it is easier said than done
i hope you're not going to stress too much either
and well. *hugs* if you need one as well.

good luck for physics.

-
let me try to be positive.

i'm so amused by a maths and lit that i could cry.

a maths was such a fun time of skipping hopping jumping questions
lit was a lovely time to have a totally clear empty white mind.

hmm, i'm looking forward to marking days
so that i can go crazy with worry and that

i'm looking forward to the weekends
(especially ______ and see you again)

i'm looking forward to seeing my marks
so that i can see how well screwed i did

and then i'm looking forward to going crazy and crashing my head into my blank walls
my walls are just so plain and empty. they need more colours!
and i need to practice art painting skills anyways

i'm looking forward to sabs
so that i can hopefully drown if i didn't die from blood loss

i'm looking forward to holidays
where i'll hopefully die from being _____

and if i don't die yet
i'm looking forward to a whole new year of school
where i'll get to meet lovely new/old teachers
learn all sorts of rubbish formulas in a maths
and trash facts that are just so amazing and fascinating in bio.
and all other fcked up simply lovely subjects

and then if that doesn't kill me
i'm so looking forward to O' levels
where i'll be having so much fun that i'll start appreaciating really tall buildings

and then i'm looking forward to getting my results
where i can see how screwed i am

and then everyone can tell me that i suck
and then i can die happy.

wheeeeeeeeee.

words hard to say, hard to form
my mind's a deary blank

you're useless you know?
don't i know it?

2007-10-07T17:00:00.000+08:00

A maths is the most fun subject ever isn't it?

i wasted the whole of yesterday
emotions kept getting in the way
sigh.

i say,
if i could murder emotions
i would do so to vent all my frustrations

but frustration is an emotion

i stayed up until 2:32 and copied lit quotes
all over the front and back of my science pad
it's a huge mess i say

they're not going to help though
cause i only copied the quotes that appealed to me

wheeeeeee

i'm going to fail lit

and a maths.

log is so fun.
my dad makes it sound even more fun.
his explainations make so much sense.

it's confusing the hell outta me.
along with everything else

a crash course
the next few days will be
simply because you're trying to fly
without being able to see

how many times can you fall?
how many times can you keep on trying?
how many times are you going to keep on doing?
it's a head first dive off a cliff and into the ground.

but you're up and flying
flown too near the sun and now you're falling
wings burnt and melted
did you ever believe they would have lasted?

i'm confused
i'm scared
i'm screwed

life rocks i say.

i haven't been to my church for a month
time sure flies
i realise that i missed VBS tracting
i forgot
and elda's birthday.

i suppose i'm suppose to care
i suppose
i suppose
i suppose

but i don't.

i'm guilty.

i really don't feel like caring about anything anymore
but that's an attempted disaster.

i wrote 3 1/2 pages of words last night
just looking at it makes me dizzy
there's seriously a lot of words
but writing out and reading it didn't help at all

i ate a panadol
it didn't help at all either

i'll just have to wait for time to dilute the emotions.
and then i swear that this will never happen again

you said that before. so many times.

2007-10-06T20:29:00.000+08:00

in the light of tomorrow
all things significant now
will be a little next to meaningless
~~why won't that day come faster?~~
~~so that emotions will just stop~~
~~thoughts will just stop~~
~~and i can have the peace so long ago.~~

~~i feel terrible cause i'm so useless~~
~~i can't do the things i want to do~~
~~even the simplest things~~
~~that others can do so well~~
~~and even if i try all i ever do is mess up~~

ranting not emoing.

i shall look back one day and laugh
about everything.

i'm just so silly
these things really don't matter.
for some it might but for me
sigh it just shouldn't be

2007-10-06T14:34:00.000+08:00

i am tired what else can i say?

caro-
wells. still, if you feel like ranting to feel better
i'm here(:
but it's up to you really

then
i guess. all i can say is
take care

(and if we're thinking along the same lines)
i think most things would be the same
just a twist here and there
it's up to your imagination.
but don't let it go too far.

michelle-
i still don't think that you're telepathic
but you calling me is seriously a huge coincidence

thank you.(:

and don't let what i say here affect you too much yeah?

and you too. don't think or stress to much.
i've told you my timetable
so yeah.

love ya.
-

atoms of graphite
soft and slipperly
slides onto paper so easily
layers sliding past onto paper

but its actions become staggered
as the hand guiding is raggered
mind leading the hand is hesitent
all decisions diffident

atoms and graphite ==
chem is still very much in my head
oh dear.

sigh.

but it'll help me.

A maths. A maths. A maths.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
trigo. log. indices. graphs.
oh yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
monday. tuesday.
wheeeeeeeeee...

i want to stop wishing

"if i want to feel and if crashing my head onto a wall will help me feel. then i will crash my head onto a wall."

not the exact phrasing
it's some quote in our next lit book
i got bored on thursday.
sue me.

cause i think it's better if you don't.

i wonder.
i really start to wonder
about all those things that i shouldn't be bothered with now

i said so many things
and i wonder how many are true
and how many are really lies
and if i'm lying to protect someone
is it you i'm protecting
or is it actually me?

i think of marking days
it's bothering me again
i know many of you have reassured me and all
(and i thank you all)
it's a profoundly stupid idotic thing to fear
since every one is looking forward to it
as it marks the end of exams
but i just cannot help it.
it's just this thing that is with me everytime after the exams
sigh.
i wish it wasn't so.
-

'things will last forever' that's a silly myth
things have changed
you should get that into perspective
but you can't seem to manage

I really don't quite like who i've become

i want to stop crying. and overreacting.

the ease that was there
when it was just you and me
has gone and long left me
but to say it out loud, i don't dare

but even then.
if i stayed the same.
i wouldn't have met and done so many things
everything's such a contradiction.

it was still there a while ago
still there and didn't bother me
only when she came
the awkwardness, such a maim

the assurance that i had
the security, for granted i had
it's just gone
i've been had

but then.
maybe i'm not changing
maybe i'm just going back to what i was before
am i?
i can't remember what i was like before
but i know that i didn't like me.
but i still don't like me.

it's so silly, this bother of mine
but it's ever present all the time
for so much and so long it bothers me
i really wish to be rid and free

So what is it that i really want?
asking all the why and how questions.
it doesn't seem to ever help.
why? why not?

things simpler, less complications
for this matter, give me enlightenment
i just need an answer and a confirmation
and give me peace, if just a moment

thoughts no longer wild
but feelings never mild
what can i say
in the light of this day?

i wish to stop caring
but that would be attempted disaster
feelings and thoughts i cannot master
how to this am i dealing?

i don't know whether to be worried or happy.

thoughts all jumbled
my mind a junkyard
of things so retard.

things so uncertain
walking on a breaking bridge
the grass seems greener on the other side
but is it worth the risk?

2007-10-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

caro-
i'm fine. really.
today was actually the worse
and i got through it. _____
i'm not trying to be difficult
but to relax is easier said than done
and before which paper?
nevermind. it's the thought that counts
thanks(:

and if you want
you can rant to me abt what's distracting you.
lit and a maths AND physics
you can't afford to get distracted friend.
the invitation's open.
well. that is if you're still comfortable with me.

anyway. thanks again. *hugs*
and stay happy. you have a record to break.(:

joy-
er i hope you read my tagboard (or this) in time
and not freak out
i really cannot remember
it's either 4 or 6
but we have more time than the half lit ppl
and 1 or 2 of the questions are bound to be the short kind
so don't worry(:

dear You
I miss you.
can you... call?
tomorrow? soon?
i'll be home the whole day on this sat and sun

you know who you are i'm sure
because you're the only one
I've ever asked this of
so.
will you?

but will you even read this?

-

chinese tuition makes me feel screwed
i wasn't really paying attention
and i could pick out stuff that went wrong in my letter compo
imagine how many i could pick out if i was paying attention

why does it still matter?
why is it still such a bother?
why do i still care?

and
i think i have gotten the art of blanking out
like really blanking out
i'm able to not think abt anything at all
it's quite useful
but at the same time
it's quite useless

I noticed that i've changed a lot more than i thought
and i've a new fear
or maybe it's an old fear.

you mean you never noticed?

no. i just didn't want to face the fact that i have to face it.
again.

i drove past a large patch of open sky today
i was just going past, just on the way
it was real pretty
did you see it?
the colours soft, clouds stretching in a large expanse
and for a moment everything slowed and made sense

~~I should stop wishing selfish requests from everyone.~~

2007-10-05T15:20:00.000+08:00

i shall not say anything about bio
until i see my results
i'm afraid
afraid that i'll say one thing and the other happens

~~but can i safely say that i studied my hardest?~~
~~am i allowed to say that i tried my very best~~
~~can i say that i did well?~~

~~can i say that i think i deserve to do well?~~

emath was just
frustrating
i couldn't do so many
there was this diagram
i couldn't get it until the last 15 minutes?
i think i got the first part
then the second,
figured it out just as the teacher said stop
that's 4 marks down the drain

who's ever going to listen?

lit
what can i say?
6 questions right?
my right hand's going to die

and a maths?
what can i say really?
can't do emaths already

-

~~I'm afraid. Can you tell?~~
~~I'm scared. Can you see?~~
~~can you tell?~~

~~or should i ask do you know why?~~

I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

2007-10-04T18:28:00.000+08:00

you know we learn a common language
so that we can communicate
in singapore we learn english
because it is no one's main language
so no one has an advantage over another

that's what we learned in SS

a common language
that we all know
so that we can better communicate

but what's the point if you can't communicate anyway?

you speak the same language
on the same topic
but you never come to an understanding

why?

because the other party never listens

ok fine
maybe they listen
but then they never pay attention
the only thing they pay attention to is what they have to say
whatever others say is just not valid
only what they have to say is valid

so you say somthing
and you let the other say somthing in reply
only to realise that what comes out of their mouth
is never with consideration of what you just said
they just go on with their same old rigid opinions
yours don't matter
at all

the only thing i want to say about riding is that
i want sonny

shoot me.

i miss my darling.

2007-10-04T11:08:00.000+08:00

hello
i'm here to prove cheryl yeo wrong

TRALALALALALALALALALALALA! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! LALALALALA!

there!

went high during math exam
who would have expected it from me?
*grins*
finished the paper in less than 1 hour
i'm so pround of myself!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

then stared at the clock
and tried to do the ones i skipped

but i'm sure that i made a zillion and one careless mistakes
I always do

and then the second last question
didn't know how to find the area
so i went and COUNTED squares
we learned that in primary school
i still remember!
hah!
my memory's not so bad.
and the answer's correct too!

but later
i saw two triangles within that triangle
so i did the 1/2 x base x height
the answer was 10
it was wrong
so i switched a 1 for a 2
and got 12
the answer that i got from counting

according to caro
it's right.

i rock.

um and then
in the middle of the exam
i started humming some tune
the words lyrics went along the lines of:
la-dee-da la-dee-da la-dee-da ladeedaladeedaladeeda ladeeda tralalalalaladeeda!

hee.
caro's hyperness is infectious.

bio tomorrow
oh shit
ladeeda ladeeda ladeeda
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2007-10-03T22:47:00.000+08:00

hotmail is screwing my life
i can't even send a simple email.

i guess i don't matter
not that i ever did i suppose
and so i guess
it's just as well
that things ended up the way they did

right?

and thank you to You
once again
for screwing up my moods
again
i really don't need to be called useless
i know i am
but i really don't need to be told that
right in the face
esp now
so thanks a lot
again.

excuses
so many
don't listen
anymore

sympathy
none here
heart to care
lost it

-
the trigger
was you
like always

2007-10-03T14:10:00.000+08:00

well.
what did i learn today?

I learnt that Chem makes Vi an unstable configuration

lol.

since i'm sure Vi isn't a metal
therefore i need electrons to make Vi stable.
but electrons will make Vi negative.

see!
i DO know my chem stuff.
so i'll pass chem?

lol.
i feel so amused.

sigh.
i think i knew one of the answers
and it was the right answer
but i left it as a huge big pretty [BLANK]

there goes one mark
and another.

Maths tmr.
it's only E maths
Elementary Mathematics

everyone's so sure of themselves
can i be sure of myself?

i've been bad at maths since...
i was born.

sigh.

I feel like a failure.

edit/.

I am trying to study maths.
the keyword there once again is 'trying'
um. sigh.

"But the good thing about you is that you dare to try"
someone told me that before
so i guess all i can ever do is trying
and never accomplishing?

bio sounds so fun
and so does lit
but sleep sounds even more FUN.

i shall be stable now since there is no more chem
hmm. what does math do to you?

2007-10-02T22:05:00.000+08:00

I
am
screwed
for
chem

YAY!

what's new really?
just look at the year's results.

and i keep getting distracted.
by BIO
of all things

wells. i'm done with summary for most chapters
for bio
just a few more
for bio

but.
bio is bio
there's no certainty.
ever.

F
A
I
L.

2007-10-02T13:11:00.000+08:00

somehow
somehow
somehow

i have alot to say
but then i don't have anything to say
there was so much words this morning
but i said nothing.

becuase there was nothing to say.
anyway.

right?

wells.
there's nothing to say for chinese
just that i got confused
for the letter writing
aka
screwed it
and then for compo
i started on bao zhang bao dao
got what i wanted to say all planned out
then
i couldn't remember the bloody format
what the bloody hell is after xian xiang?
my tuition teacher's going to kill me

i screwed it.
i don't want to screw chinese.
i really don't want to.

sigh.

geog.
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeells.
they didn't test on rivers
AT ALL
which was what i knew most.
at least the headache faded away somewhat

sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh

sigh

I wish. for _______

chem tmr
i quite seriously do not know how to study for it
and then maths on thurs
bio on Fri
lit on Mon

and then goodness knows how many A maths paper

2

don't remind me.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

i realised that the full lit ppl have more time than the half lit ppl
so YAY!

haha.
since i could barely finish the 2/4 questions today
while the full geog ppl had to do 4/6 (i think) questions
and they had the same amt of time as us

whee

my right hand's going to die.

2007-10-01T21:33:00.000+08:00

i feel like ranting again.
but i really shouldn't

I've been told that i use 'shouldn't' alot
but i can't think of another word.
at the moment

it just seems so hopeless again
it just seems so.
and i keep thinking about last year
but somehow.

somehow.
somehow.
somehow..

just shut up.

rants are growing shorter
*feels accomplished*

haha.

2007-10-01T16:51:00.001+08:00

What are you going to do
when it all
ends.
and
you know it's going to end

can i not deal with this now?

well.
if you don't deal with this
ever
you're going to get stuck
again.

screw you

you're screwing yourself

2007-09-30T22:27:00.000+08:00

words written down
words written down on my own account
i'm looking back
i'm thinking back
were they really just lies?
then it's just as well i left them for the flies

there has, a long time ago, never been doubt
but there is now
i know there was a time
when what we had was truly yours and mine
but things have changed
you're no longer in my range

it's really quite sad
but i haven't quite let go yet
i'm still sitting here, wondering
if things could be different as they are happening
but even if things could
i'm not sure if i would

but i still love you
enough to care.
take care

2007-09-30T00:27:00.000+08:00

i am ranting more and more.
well. let's try to keep it short shall we?

onemoredayonemoredayonemoredayonemoredayonemoreday.

there.

what can i say
in the face of this day?

2007-09-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

"there's not much of a difference between a 50 and a 60 anyway"

and i suppose there's no difference between a 60 and a 70
and there's no difference between a 70 and a 75
and no difference between a 40 and a 50
no difference between a 49 and a 50

i suppose there isn't.
at all.

you have sucessfully put me in bad mood.
oh wow. thanks.
congrats.

I feel screwed now.
wow. that was a pretty fast transition.

i wish
my mood swings would just stop.

2007-09-29T16:31:00.000+08:00

do you believe that everything will be alright?

do i?

for the moment we can both say you do.

I can just imagine that coming out in comic form.
perhaps i'll draw it out one day.

i am skipping dance today
and church tomorrow
my mum allows but she thinks that i need to 'relax'
well
i don't think anyone's going for dance today anyway

sigh.

ss makes chem a fun subject to study.

Look up there at the clock hanging
For days it has stopped ticking
Its two hands are silent and still
For the moment, you can pretend time is still
But clocks of others are still ticking away
And you can’t stop the transition of a day to day

What are you trying to do, staring into space?
You’ll be fine that’s what they all say
Stop worrying, empty your panic stricken mind
Look up at the sky and stop all the sighs
You will be fine
Tell that to your mind

Perhaps, this time, it’ll be different
Hold onto that thought for a moment
Will you believe that this time round?
All those theories and notes, what a mound
Put one foot before the other
It’s just a small starter

i'm being positive for a change.
lol.

2007-09-29T12:01:00.000+08:00

what are you trying to do?

I don't know.

you've been saying that your whole life.

~~screw life~~

2007-09-28T13:41:00.000+08:00

coming home and ranting right away is becoming a bad habit.

art was okay i suppose.
really have to thank God for putting me in the right mood
but this morning. for some reason, my phone didn't ring.
and i was almost late for school
why today of all days?

during art.
when cyeo came to give joy her stuff
she smiled at me
i smiled back
but then. i started getting really nervouse/:

last 15 minutes.
ms lau walks in and she has a worksheet for me
and she just had to give it to me there and then
==
um, hello. was trying to rush through art there!
i just threw that worksheet onto the floor.

i didn't get to finish it though
at least not what i would consider 'finish'

then after. i felt normal. i really felt okay.
i even got my appetite back for a while
but now, the food just feels. wrong. annoying.
and my mum's trying to make me eat more

i'm tired. i don't want to deal with anything now
and the 'anything' now equals to everything. quite literally.
i'm just stuck again
that feeling is just set so tight and snug that it won't go away.
i don't have to think of anything
the feeling's just there

seriously.
what is wrong with me?

nothing works anymore.

i'll make the same request
though i think i should put it to rest

i made rules when i was in need
but to them i never did heed

look where i've gotten myself now

[edit/]

I am quite fine now.
after some sleep. but i can feel it sinking in again.
i'm not thinking of anything.
it's. just. there.
i'll just deal with it. somehow.

you know.
i think that i really did overreact/overstress about Art
i mean. crying is seriously overreacting.
really.
but. i couldn't help it. the tears just fell.
sigh.
and i might just have another episode again.

what is with me being so unstable?

i've slept for three hours
but i'm still feeling tired

i remember the time back then
really? when?
i was never so affected.
that never happened.
i could at least stand alone
and there you are staring at the phone
now it's just crap to the brim and full
at last you're being truthful.

everything's so disorganized here
but let's not find it queer
since i suppose that's how it is now.

today's friday.

2007-09-27T18:28:00.001+08:00

riding was cancelled because there was lightning
but it was just as well
i wasn't riding sonny
i got winning glory
and riding glory makes me frustrated
then again.
just cantering would might have cheered me up.

I'm screwed.
that was my last chance at trying and get myself in the right mood.

why?
why is drawing so dependent on my moods?

hugging sonny and crying
oh wow. nice going vi.
why are you crying so fucking much?
what is wrong with you?

someone help me.

2007-09-27T14:53:00.000+08:00

i'm unstable.
an unstable configuration.
lol

tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow.
it's all too soon.

you'll never be prepared anyway.

though you're all most likely never going to see this but
thank you to cyeo, grace and meera for the hugs today.
caro, thanks for getting me that milo

-
my head's ringing with music blasting away
it's filled
but every other part of me.
doesn't.
feel that way.

i sat outside the class for the first 10 miuntes of a maths today
and i relearned partial fractions.
somewhat.

and then. my lit group won first
i still have mixed feelings about that.

PE was just
...
i fell down what? 3, 4 times?
coordination wasn't there.
and i kept getting a headache.
throat kept on going dry.
cramps weren't helping either.

if you wanna get out alive
run for you life

bio spa's on osmosis
um wow.
testing on something we learned ages ago
sigh.

actually when i'm in school.
i'm okay.
but at times like now.
i'm a mess?
no. mess isn't the right word
although if you said that i won't deny it
it's more like... unstable.
i'm just...

i really don't know what's wrong with me
i don't ever remember being like this because of exams
so why?
i'm not supposed to be like this
it simply isn't... me.

and now i can say that that has made me more vulnerable in more ways than one.

i think some people are getting impatient with me?
well. i can only say sorry
but exams are upon us
you don't have to bother yourself with me anymore.

good luck everyone.

2007-09-26T22:10:00.001+08:00

you know what?
screw you
can't you see that i'm trying?
can't you see that i'm trying really hard?
can't you see that i'm trying so hard?
trying so hard to do somthing that i really want to give up on?
can't you see?
why can't you see?
can't you see that i'm breaking?
can't you see?
why can't you?
screw you.

damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it

i want to give up
but i'm still trying
TRYING TRYING TRYING

but no. you can't see
for whatever bloody reason you just can't see it
screw you.
go ahead. slam doors. slam them all
i don't care.

art is just screwed.
i cannot finish it in time
not in 3 hours
i'm screwed
i'm screwed
i'm screwed

you're just so slow.

i feel like talking to someone

it's 10:15 you bloody moron

I'm so selfish.
i'm so sorry.
i'm just.

ihavenoexcuse.
none.

on friday
when i come home
will i be happy that it's over?
or will i just..?

help me.
can i say that?

and then after that?
what happens?
after art?
after the first week?
after the second week?
before the marking days?
during the marking days?
after the marking days?
and then?

what will you do?

I can't
i can't
i just cannot fail

2007-09-26T15:39:00.000+08:00

the picture of that small child of a girl
look at her, who in the world
would think she was me?
there's nothing similar for anyone to see

i guess it's exams.
since there's nothing else really.

Art is on Friday.

ohhwells.

caro-
if you happen to read this,
please take care of yourself yeah?
if you're thinking of not eating. please don't.
try sleeping early. at least tonight.
don't stress. too much.

get well friend.

kath, jun, dawn-
how did your prelims go?
i hope you guys are happy with your marks(:

[edit/]

I am trying to paint.
the keyword there is 'trying'

i'm not in the right mood
the colours are just wrong
and i'm only working with black, white and grey

screwed, i am.

I tired sleeping
but.
for once.
i couldn't sleep.
oh whee.
i can't sleep.
for. the. first. time.
i keep falling asleep.
and now. i can't.

I think i have lost the ability to do lit
i can't analysis stuff like i used to.
the teacher asks a question, refering to a quote
my mind's a blank, when it's usually whirring away with one thing or another

well.
a little too late now.

i don't know how to study
sometimes things just pop out into my mind and i don't know how they got there
like during bio
i was so shocked when the answer fell right out of my mouth
and it was the right answer
but.
all the time i can't remember anything
i can't do past year papers
it's just blanks upon blanks upon blanks
i. just. can't. do. it.

sigh.

a little too late i would say
-

I miss being that someone
who was me, long gone and done
but how do you miss something
when what you remember is nothing?

you know, i vaugely remember some compo a friend wrote before
"she typed furiously into the computer, looking as though she was trying to find herself"
not the exact phrasing. but.
yeah. wells.

tattered torn.
bits and pieces.
all just fragments.
really just useless.

dear you.
you're most likely never going to read this but.
i'm glad for you really.
but.
now?
i'm in the wrong mood of what you're doing.

sit by the window.
look through the cracked glass
watch the world outside
what can you see?

2007-09-25T17:31:00.000+08:00

I feel. stone.
don't ask me to elaborate. stone is just. stone.

I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky

I'm done with composition for art
but to get 10 pages i need a lot of sketches
more horses.
good for me i guess
but. being stone isn't helping

i feel like whining

you already are.

but i can't
it's not the matter of having a subject to whine about
it's just. no words. nothing

a maths is just annoying
i'm not getting trigo
i'm not getting log
i'm not getting graphs

nothing really.

chinese is damn disappointing
why am i even trying?
why and i do i keep on trying?
why can't i just give up?
with a temperment like mine.
it should be so easy for me to just give up
so why aren't i?
why aren't i giving up?
why do i keep on trying?
why do i look at the bloody damn paper
feeling empty just looking at it, sigh and then go attempt it?
and it's not the 'oh fuck it' kind of attempt
i actually still go and try to do well
when i jolly well know that i won't
i'm so sick of chinese
it's driving me to the edge.

i feel like a bloody moron.

mr ong accepted my composition
just a little thing here and there
thank goodness. really
or i might have just.
idon'tknow.
but it wouldn't have been good.

backspace is a pretty button that's going to fade.

a blank.
and it still hasn't sank
frustration.
is it worth the mention?
fear.
nothing's ever clear.
tired.
what a bloody mir.
tick tock.
there goes the clock.
give up.
why can't i?

2007-09-24T15:36:00.000+08:00

today... amused me(:
don't ask me why.
it just did.
ponned classes with caro [edit/}

ladeeda.

chris-
i think i kinda did?
*points at previous post*
and thanks for tagging again i guess.

dawn-
i was just emo.
haha.
anyway. can i just show you the pics on thurs?
i've kinda chosen the pics already
and thanks for the pics.
though seeing bilco's pics made me miss him
terribly.

ahhwells.
-

doing things i would never have thought possible of myself a few years back

-

[edit/]

I walked in the rain this morning
i think i should do it more often
it's nice.

you know. i wasn't panicking about art until 5 mins ago
then. i looked at the date
sigh.
i am still without inspiration
although i'm mostly done with the main part of the problem
yes. vi now looks at art as a problem

i want thursday to come faster
then again. i don't.
not really.
still.
...

i miss having a life.
like seriously?
i used to like watching tv
i used to have things to do on the internet
i used to well... do things
nowadays
i can't watch tv. nothing goes in and i can't stand it after 5 mins
then internet. i don't have anything to do really.
just come here.
rant.
leave
and i miss drawing.
as in. proper drawings if you get what i mean.

ahwells.

and i'm not exactly mugging.
i need coffee.
but it doesn't work.

i shall go find my life again.
one day.

faded. fading. blown away. twirling. swirling. watch the rain.
coldness. feeling. drop by drop. wave. smile. don't smile. go on.
clip clop. clip clop. trotting. neighing. sighing. dying. fading. nothing.

2007-09-23T19:25:00.000+08:00

silence mounting. screeching. watching. nothing.
fear escalating. pressure rising. falling. sighing.
thoughts arising. failing. down. why? what?
messing. missing. what to do. confusing.
holding. dropping. letting go. still holding.
falling away. turning. running. stopping.
reading. watching. grabbing. missing.
reaching. hand dropping. turning. walking.
-

I need to clean my room again.

-

[edit/]

Chris-
well. you're welcome here I guess(:
but nowadays i'm not in the best of moods
you might not like it. so yeah.
and that. just doesn't work. for me
annoying? i know. hahas. it's just tha way it is.

-
Instinctive reactions. Words fallen out. Empty. Meaningless. What to say really?
Right or wrong. Consequences. Responsibilities. Burn them. Keep them. Deal with it.
Watching you. Seeing nothing. Walking. Walking. Walking. No one.
You said this and that. Do I believe? Yes. No. Yes. No. Don’t know.
The past. Belongs to the past. The present to the present. The future?
Memories. Kept or thrown? Forgotten. Buried. Long gone. Gone.
Nothing. Helloes. Goodbyes. What’s the point?
Holding reading. Nothing. Empty. Fearing. Nothing.
Lies. Fear. Disappointment. Hurt. Scars. Wounds.
Horses. Running. Free. Canter. Gallop. Away. Away. Away.
Flying. Birds. Ravens. Crows. Dying. Fading. Faded. Gone. Death. Goodbye.
Holding. Crying. Hurting. Trying. Pulling. Putting. Apart. Together.
Nowhere. Crossroads. Wrong. Right. Consequences. So many.
Unfaltering. Tripping. Falling. Scars. Scabs. Fibrin. Mesh. Mess. Healing. Scars.
Sun. life. Burning. Time. Wings. Melted. Wax. Melted. Falling. Dying. Drowning. Ripping.
Ripples. Fading. Fading. Water. Fire. Together. Wine. Haha. So silly.
Pages. Burning. Forgetting. Forgetting. Forgetting. Still caring. Still caring. Still caring. Why?
Stop caring stop caring stop caring. No use. Meant to be. Not meant to be. Out of control.
Reckless. Jumping. Over edges. Up. Down. Falling. Down. Into? Towards?
Hope. Innocence. Dreams. Imagination. Past. Gone. Present. Slipping. Future. Unsure.
Seeing. Different. Key. Lock. Don't fit. Never did. All disillusions. Laughing. Walking. Pretending.
Familiarity. To unfamiliarity. Unfamiliarity. To familiarity. Back to familiarity.
Awkwardness. Silliness. Silence. Laughter. Chatter. Cycle. Again. Give up. Useless. Meaningless.
Rain falling. Trees. Whistle. Rustle. Tussle. Snap. Dap. Tap. Swap. Lap. Sap.
Life. Simple. Complicated. Why? Complications. Complications. Simple. Simple. Simple.
Nothing. Really. At the end. Nothing. No one. Nothing left. Nothing. Just. Simply. Nothing.

I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me

2007-09-23T13:01:00.000+08:00

5 days.
ah shit.

caro-
don't stress too much k?
you'll do fine.
in the pratical and whatever else.
*hugs*

i'm hungry.
but everytime i think of food
i'm reminded of bio
and then i remember
that i still haven't memorised all of lipids
lipids are annoying
so is chem
so is art
so is... whatever

i have a million and one sketches to do
if mr ong says something along the lines of i didn't put in enough work/thought
i'll slaughter him

violent? i know
deal with it.

sigh.

2007-09-21T22:01:00.000+08:00

today was just emotional.
but i'm okay now.
i really am.
-

dear You,
i don't know what you're trying to prove
or what you're trying to do
but please stop playing at being my ______
and when i say 'playing'. i mean it literally
when it doesn't meet your fancy
you just decide to stop
others had a hard time helping me cheer up
and you come and decide to try and bring me down again
well. thanks for trying to hinder me at this point of time
but sorry. i'm not going to let it happen as long as i can help it

<3 vi
-

caro.
no prob dearest.
although i should thank you
cause the walk really helped me
was able to do quite a bit of reading
-

after tuition, i asked the laoshi how i could improve my chinese
cause, apparently my words don't flow properly
and it's just like english
i must have that 'feeling'
which i don't have for chinese
can i give up on chinese?

you can't

why?

because you're chinese.

ahwells.

art is still an idon'tknow what to do
i want to finish the bulk of it tomorrow
7 days.
and my intro looks like i'm doing lit ==
i mean. i'm making points and explaining, elaborating
lit is getting into my head too much.

oh.
know the scratch at the back of my leg?
i got bored and started scratching it
the scab came off
and blood flowed out.
and i remembered things we learn in bio(:
i'm a kinesthetic learner!
hah!
so it's perfect. since i can't really remember that part.
yes. the sadist in me is talking.
but heyy. at least i'm not hurting anyone.

oh caro.
the bus ride home made me think that i might reconsider
about sunday..
i'm indecisive. sorry.
but i don't want to be of trouble.

btw. coffee's not working for me
i did try the packet one
i still felt sleepy
although i did stay up a little longer than usual(:
-

Can you see that I've stopped caring?

emotions rise, emotions fall
it's all an uncanny repitition
there is no one to call
all things i hear, a fiction

messed up again
and no, it's no fain
emotions a riot
i'm getting tired

drop the heavy books
and all the useless notes
do they really matter?
let them rot and tatter

why do you still bother?
you're backed into a corner
just give up
just give up

what's with all the futile tryings?
it's yourself you're killing
you can never win
so what's with the fuss and the din?

throw it away
stop counting down the days
there is no point
in trying to carry on.
-
this is not depicting what i feel now exactly
just generally so

and i can do italics again.
-

i remembered to get my hug from sonny yesterday.
i'm still quite happy about it.

2007-09-20T14:39:00.000+08:00

I"m home.
i have maths, chem, and...? homework to do

8 more days.
i'm not even half done with prep work.

chris.
um, hey.
i didn't think that anyone from church would ever come here
thanks for the concern?
but i can't draw. not now
i wind up with a blank
and i'm just even more frustrated

I don't know if you'll come back
but thanks

cyeo.
let me just say that i'm honoured to have you visit my blog.
cheering up friend.
don't worry. i'll be fine
really.
thanks for the concern
-

I'm sorry for the past few days
i'm just frustrated.
at what i don't know really.

at exams.

yes well, but i don't think that that's all of it.
but really.
i'm fine.
i am. i really am.
i'm just emo.
and since i don't know what i'm being emo over
i'm being emo without reason
so there. sue me.

I miss running
i miss being able to run
i can't run anymore.

sigh.

it just doesn't work anymore.
either.

2007-09-19T19:58:00.000+08:00

caro.
i'm sorry.
i just... don't feel well
mentally and physically i guess
and i like to finish entire pieces of things instead of just scribbles
and i can't exactly scribble if i can't think of what to draw now can i?
and i did believe it. at that point of time
and then... things change.
but i still somewhat believed it
and it was written down in ink. there was no way i could have changed it now could i?
no liquid paper anyways.

and neverminds about the church thing lah
it's just... idon'tknow

i'm sorry
but thanks for today
-
I think i'm falling sicker.
i came home. and just fell asleep
woke up only when my dad came home
which was like... 5-6
i slept for 2-3 hours
i wasted 2-3 hours
i think i shall really go and try coffee

I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
I still feel like sleeping
i could sleep now and wake up early tomorrow morning
but if i can't sleep then i would have wasted precious time trying to sleep

i feel so full of crap

wells.
i don't know what to do
i can't study
my forehead keeps on feeling like it's going to burn up
and then i feel that anytime now. i'll be covered in cold sweat

tomorrow's thursday
there's PE
I can just feel what i'm going to do
but can i finish it?
who cares?

and badminton.
i back is almost fine again.
i don't want to have to deal with backache again.
it's annoying

and lit.
die lah.

chinese should just go die.
-

I want something
but i really don't know what is it that i want.

-
Your life you never know
mixed up emotions
feelings gone cold
you really don't know

thoughts run wild
complications never mild
everything's a bloody mess
the situation you can't assess

the problems you have no control
the answers you never know
the bird's eye view you don't have
to the right options you're deaf

when things arise
things too large in size
you come way lost
and everything has a cost

trying to tread carefully
but you never know everything fully
and seriously
do you even know yourself truly?

trying so hard
but what have you accomplished thus far?
but are you really trying?
to yourself you're lying

questions that are a piece of cake
screwed up because of a careless mistake
how many of those have you made in your life?
they're always there, this constant strife

stop wishing to go back
you're making yourself a wreak
stop wishing
on stars that are really falling

you know you'll get through it
you know the end you'll meet
but the end
how's it going to end?

you're no seer
but it's so clear
and it won't be queer
if it happened again like last year

you curse
expecting the worse
but regrets come too late
that's what they always say

words form night and day
"are you okay?"
you mumble "yes"
that's the answer you think is best.

2007-09-19T14:55:00.001+08:00

chen is just chem
a maths is just a maths
school is just school

that's what i said
and it was quoted back at me

well.
it's not just something when they're all messed up together
old and new emotions clash
it seems like 2, 3 times the mess

In the beginning
I tried to warn you
you play with fire
it's gonna burn you.

"a wax doll melting in its own heat."

at least i'm somewhat ready for lit.

i really don't know what to do during the two marking days
becuase then i wouldn't know what to do
i would have been so used to working
and then.
exams over. there's nothing to do
and i'm so lost.

that's queer isn't it?
now i want to stop caring. i want to just relax
and then after the exams i predict that i will go crazy becuase there's nothing to do
i'm so full of contradition.

and crap.

i want to go out.
but where?
i want to do somthing so that i won't go crazy
but what?

i just don't want to sit at home and stone
i'll go crazy i tell you
i will

so if exams don't kill me
the two marking days will

my sore throat's getting worse
i haven't drank water since this morning
well. i want to fall really sick by sunday anyway.

-
i want to draw now

now? draw what? going to waste you time on another piece of paper that's going to be blank at the end? you're wasting precious time

but i can't study

well, that's too bad for you.

2007-09-18T21:25:00.000+08:00

Mr Ong wasted my time today.
I spent the whole of the afternoon trying to make him see my idea
he didn't understand
and everyone else that i told said that they understood
he wants it more... visual
and he never really did explain what visual means
and in the end. after 6 pm
i said that i would just make the unicorn be tinted silver in it's 'before'
and he accepted it
SIGH

i'm not even sure if he really did accept it
he might have simply have been exasperated
and told me that just to get me away
i was, afterall, pestering him all the way
i don't know.

it's 9:30

i tried doing the ss ws on the medical thing
i couldn't fill in a single blank
oh whee.

bio is driving me crazy
thinking about moles makes me... well, i don't know. but it's not good.
lit is just... bleah
geog. i need to read geog
i've only covered one chapter

and art?
need i say more?

I'm screwed.

i thought of another pic for art
but i don't want to change it
in case i have to explain everything to mr ong again
but it's a hell lot more simple
i don't know what to do
/:

I want to scream
I want to cry

I don't want to scream
I don't want to cry

I feel like screaming
I feel like crying

I feel so fucked up.

I think.. I almost cried today
a few times
it feels wrong. just so wrong.

I shouldn't be crying damn it
I shouldn't be wanting to cry
I shouldn't even be thinking about such stuff

I want to scream
but that has never worked before
not that i have ever tried before
I can just feel this thing in my chest
it's stuck there wanting to get out
but... i look around. there's people
i can't scream
or i look around and there's no one there
i can't scream either

besides do you even know what to scream about?

i really don't know what i want
i don't know what i'm aiming for

no, you do know. you want your As for your EOYs.
But you know that's impossible.
You're going no where.

it's tiring to have to run one race after another.
year after year after year.
and with each passing year the distance grows longer
and time seems to grow shorter.
You look around and you see everyone in front of you.
you know you have to catch up
but you're so tired already
what to do?

how to sprint when you can barely lift up your legs?
and if you lose your way
that's really too bad for you

I'm sorry.

2007-09-17T20:02:00.001+08:00

I used to be able to draw to get everything out
now it doesn't work anymore

i rarely used to be able to write to let it out
it's definitely not working now

i think of that way
but somehow i know it's not going to work
so i'm not going to try it

i used to have so many ways to make myself feel better
nothing's working now
this is my last resort
-

i'm reading
the words go though my eyes and into my head
but it doesn't stay
and it's not helping that i'm feeling tired
i keep falling asleep
i can't remember what i studied on sat and sun
i can't remember what i studied for at all
i can't remember anything

i feel guilty that i'm not being sad about that thing
although so many people are still trying to cope with it
i'm not. i'm... moving on.
don't get me wrong. it feels... sad, empty when i think about it
but it's not affecting me as much as them
and then i feel guilty that i'm happy that i'm not all that affected by it
becuase i want to be able to study.
i feel guilty.

the dream, nightmare i had last night isn't helping either
i thought it wouldn't affect me
i try not to think about it
but if i just subconsciously think about it
if my mind just edges towards it without me even thinking directly of it
i feel scared. and then i'm frustrated
why is it affecting me so much

and even the smallest things are affecting me
and even the things that are not supposed to affect me are affecting me

i keep feeling like there's this wall in front of me
i keep walking right into it
it's like the games we play
just for fun we walk the characters into the wall
they're moving, they're walking
but they're getting no where
my books open, i'm reading and i'm going no where

i look at the calendar
i watch the clock tick
i open my book read a few lines
nothing goes in
i read it again
nothing goes in again

my mum sighed as she watches me type
she doesn't stop me
but her sigh is enough to break my train of thought

I close that book
i open another
i repeat that whole process
the results are repeated
i close that book and open another
the same bloody thing happens again

i look at the content page
i remember that redox has been taken out
i try to smile
i look at the other topics
i smash the book shut

i'm tired
even though i wasted 2 hours sleeping
i never knew that just trying to paint a little could be so draining

i'm not going to survive
i'm not going to finish all my prep work
i'm not going to finish the actual painting
i'm not going to be able to read all my notes
i'm not going to be able to pass
i'm not going to be able to sleep
i'm not going to be able to get anywhere

i'm going to die.
i'm going to get a FAIL for art
i'm going to retain
i'm going to fail
i'm going to give up art
i'm going to have to see hear all their 'i told you so' looks
i'm going to die.
i'm going to die.
i'm going to die.

nothing's working
i'm still as frustrated as ever
what's wrong with me?
i was so confident about art a few days ago

you also stopped being confident on the same night

i felt okay

you never felt okay for long. you and your bloody fucking mood swings

i thought i could cope

and you remember last year. no, you don't really remember last year. but what you vaguely remember is enough isn't it? remember the blank starings? remember the struggling? remember all the fails? remember all the ugly red crosses? it's all going to happen again. you know it. you've anticipated it for the longest time. you were just turning you head the other way but even the slightest whisper reminds you of it because you keep thinking about it. even when you're not thinking about it directly. it's lurking at the back of your mind, you know it's there. it's always there. always.

the clocks are ticking. you're wasting your time. there's not point "spending the last hours of your life racing around your cage denying you're a squrriel." ohhh, a lit quote. not bad. you're full of bits and pieces. but bits and pieces are not going to get you through this right? you know it. you're going to die.

you took art against their wishes. you took art against your better judgement. and all that time you knew that you were going to regret it. but you foolishly took it anyway and you still foolishly thought that you could cope and perhaps just maybe you wouldn't regret it. well. tough luck. that was never going to happen and now it's too late for regrets. and luck was never ever on your side.

you promised yourself you would see it to the end. well see it through. and watch everything fall apart. watch it. just watch it. your fate is sealed. there's nothing you can do.

and what are you going to do when exams come?
what are you going to do after the exams?
those two free days what are you going to do?
and what are you going to do when you receive your results?
what are you going to do after you receive your results?
how are they going to react to your results?
how are they ALL going to react?
you pretend.
you turn your head the other way
you you're still thinking about it
it's on your mind
all the time.
and you know how they're going to react
and then. what are you going to do?
what are you going to do?

I'm going to die.

we all know that.
-
threading upon a long thin barb wire
your destination on the other side
it's along way off
but you set off
because this feat was thought possible
when you know it's impossible
but you decide to try anyway
because many have done it before
so why couldn't you?

it's so high up
and you never liked heights
you never did
so you're taking steps one at a time
going slow
but the clocks are ticking
you try to speed up
but you can't balance
what are you supposed to do?

you look across to the other side
you can barely see the place
it's so very far off
you've spent so much time
but you've done so little
and you look down
it's so high up
what would happen if you fell?
-

I GIVE UP.

correction. you want to give up.

2007-09-16T15:33:00.000+08:00

Went caro's church today.
it was... different ^^
for one thing it was really really slack
it's quite different
and i think the church is part of the hotel?
um, still didn't really get that part.
but it was quite fun.
thanks once again friend for letting me go.

i also realise that i have 6 hrs of class time left to do Art
that's not much/:
with all the painting we have to do
can we use other mediums instead?
i just got new and super ex colour pencils
(if drop them i'll scream. and if you're close by that's too bad)
anyway
can i use them instead?
it's a lot quicker and much more covenient

and then if i add up the time before sch start
that's about 20 minutes each day.
well... if i was optimistic i would say i have a lot of time
but.
i'm not. so i have very little time.

Art is eating up my brain
and it's supposed to be my stress reliever

ahhwells.
more pics on thurs then.

2007-09-15T19:15:00.000+08:00

You know what?
I actually know what i want to do for art.
I really don't mean to rub it into anyone's face
but i really love the idea that i have.
I know what i want to do
or at least I know what i don't want to do... or something like that.
I have all these ideas buzzing around in my head
I know what to do for prep work
I actually do know. for once
and i'm thinking
of all the possibilities

but there's so little time
i haven't been able to study much i confess
and i want to give my all to do Art
i really want to do this well
i think i can actually do something worthwhile for once.
but i'm afraid of giving too much time to art
and then i'll neglect the rest of my subjects
OR
i'm afraid that i'll be giving too little
and then i'll barely scrap through
and all the thinking i spent on it would have been for naught
OR
i'm afraid that i'll put in my all
and then screw up
if i don't finish the picture it's IMMEDIATELY a C.
a C.

damn.

I told you.
I told you you'd regret taking Art
I told you.

But I like it.
I really like it.
I like all this planning
I like to have something to do
but everything's so messy
i think of the time i have
and there's so little time

and you're still going to regret it in the end.
you know it.
-

oh and caro was right.
S'pore does have pretty skies (:
-
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

2007-09-15T00:03:00.001+08:00

Your life you never know
mixed up emotions
feelings gone cold
you really don't know

thoughts run wild
complications never mild
everything's a bloody mess
the situation you can't assess

the problems you have no control
the answers you never know
the bird's eye view you don't have
to the right options you're deaf

when things arise
things too large in size
you come way lost
and everything has a cost

trying to tread carefully
but you never know everything fully
and seriously
do you even know yourself truly?

trying so hard
but what have you accomplished thus far?
but are you really trying?
to yourself you're lying

questions that are a piece of cake
screwed up because of a careless mistake
how many of those have you made in your life?
they're always there, this constant strife

stop wishing to go back
you're making yourself a wreak
stop wishing
on stars that are really falling

you know you'll get through it
you know the end you'll meet
but the end
how's it going to end?

you're no seer
but it's so clear
and it won't be queer
if it happened again like last year

you curse
expecting the worse
but regrets come too late
that's what they always say

words form night and day
"are you okay?"
you mumble "yes"
that's the answer you think is best.
-
they might not rhyme properly
but do i care?
no.

2007-09-13T20:15:00.000+08:00

Type out the lines
Type out the emotions
Words flow out so easily
So simply so smoothly

And the whole story forms
Bit by bit, steadily, quickly
The whole story’s in your head
And it simply flows out onto paper

You know how everything’s going to be
You’re not worried at all
You know how it’s going to start
You know how it’s going to end

You know everything
You’re manipulating everything
And bit by bit the story comes out
So easily, so smoothly

You’re not worried
You’re never afraid of the unknown
You know how everything’s going to turn out
You know how everything’s going to end

Everything’s under your control
There’s nothing to worry about
Everything’s predictable
To everything you’re all knowing

The twists the turns
The ups and downs
They don’t surprise you at all
Because you’re the one planning them all

So that’s how it goes
Just a story
A fictional story
So easy

You’re not part of it
You’re not really affected by it
Everything’s under your control
They’re just words, a story

It's never your story.

2007-09-11T21:20:00.001+08:00

I just read cyeo's fanfic
and at the moment i'm feeling too amused to worry about chem

Got the art paper today
themes were: clearing, fading, corridoors, ring...
there's two more but at the moment i can't remember it
i think i'm going to do fading
i got the image in mind when revising chem
and i know where to get the artist reference
now i just have to fill up 5 A3 size paper worth of prep work
and it's both sides.
ahh wells. if all else fails. i'll just write a whole essay on it.

and apparently i didn't hand up two worksheets for emaths
and i can't remember how they look like /:
i need them to pull up my marks.
i can't remember how to do matrices either

went high with caro and fran during amaths
laughing like crazy.
and i've decided
i'm going to go and memorize ALL the trigo formulas after... (ah shit) lit test on thurs
...
lit test
oh whee.

chem.
i don't know what to do with you.
-
Tomorrow will just be a passing nightmare of tomorrow.

2007-09-10T20:16:00.000+08:00

caro-
friend. I think you should go and read what you wrote to me.
you can phrase things better than me.
and friend. I believe i'm quoting you when i say
you can't keep it all inside that human being.

yes friend. I still remember that.

I believe God gave us trials to face
But I don't think that he ever meant for us to face it alone.
And from experience I believe most of the time we do go through the same things. feeling the same emotions.
It really is most of the time.
And why do you like to help people so much?
I believe that we all do it for the same reason.
I don't think that you're alone in that thought.

It's hard to tell.
I know.
But there's no one stopping you. except yourself.
and i highly doubt that anyone of us would turn our backs to you.
and sometimes it really helps to sort things out if you tell. or simply write it out.

worried for exams?
well. I haven't been able to study at all the past week
because of. well. youknowwhat emotional issues.
sometimes. i think.
we have to take steps. small steps to reach our goal.
and your chinese oral?
I think we all screwed it in one way or another.
and I'm a geog student damn it.

well.
I have no idea what's bothering you.
but.
vi loves you no matter what caro.
*hugs*

and I think you have... replies to these?
well. you always do.
you can always tell them to me in school or wherever whenever you want.
(:
-

I screwed lit.
but... not as bad as I thought.
there's going to be a retest since apparently the question got leaked
the retest is on thurs.
chem is on wed.
everything is memory work.
i'm not going to survive this week.
oh yay.

I think I screwed my chinese oral.
plastic bags /:
and i'm a geog student.
I'm really such a failure.

Art tmr.
getting the papper tmr.
....
/:

ohh wells.
-
I'm satisfied.
I still feel normal.

2007-09-09T21:43:00.001+08:00

I don't quite like this place now
there's just so much space
and you'll always have this... urge to 'fill it up'
and when i rant
i tend to be whiny
ppl say it's ok. ppl say i'm not whiny
but i'm not so sure.
-
well.
I don't want to say anything about today
I don't have anything to say about today
or. maybe i do *shrugs*

I still feel normal
i'm happy about that
but i'm not happy.
well, not happy happy
um, know what i mean?
ahhwells.

I've said 'I don't care' so many times
But I'm still going round in circles
maybe it shrank and became smaller
or maybe it grew bigger
but i'm really starting to tire
and i don't know why it's so dire
that i have to care

I think I'm going to start avoiding
though i know it's not exactly solving
but i never knew where i was going
or what i was doing
nothing was ever helping
so it really doesn't matter

Well, there.
-

caro.
i read your blog
and people are going to call me sadistic
but when i read the bottom part
i burst out laughing ^^
i don't know why. maybe it's my weird moods
and so (don't know if you're going to appreciate this but)
thank you (: *hugs*

I cleaned my room.
I couldn't stand the mess.
so now i feel somewhat happy.
or at least clearer
though still very grounded.
and i found this... poem among all the clutter
it wasn't written all that long ago
and i realised that things regarding my emotions keep on repeating
well, in a way about the same thing(s)
but still.
i'm going round in circles.
and we all know circles don't end
well. actually all shapes don't end
they might have corners and all
but they really don't end at all
...
ok. shall stop thinking

ah die. there's lit tomorrow isn't there?
/:
I don't know what to feel.
I guess panic is the best feeling now.

I just hope I can do what i said i would do.
-
among all the clutter
i found something
i think it used to matter
and it used to have meaning

it was a book
filled with pictures of you and me
looking at it used to make me choke
but now i can no longer see
like how i did before
but i know i still miss
what we had, that which i did adore
but everything now is a wisp
of what it was before

2007-09-08T20:53:00.001+08:00

caro-
thanks for the concern friend.
I know I will survive
I'm just afraid of the ending(s).
and you yourself. please take care too yeah?
*hugs*
-

Toady, after... 11? 12? I felt normal for the first time in days
and for the first time in days i felt that i could actually do things properly

and i did

VBS meeting went on fine.
Dance felt somewhat fine as well
I didn't mess up so much of my steps.
or maybe it's because we didn't do much today
but hey, it's a huge improvement.
and i'm happy(:
-
Still I'm asking myself.
How long can this last?
and how long is this thing going to drag on?

Somehow I already know what I've chosen
Somehow I already know that I don't really care to change
But there's always that stubborn part of me
That still goes on saying that I cannot choose that

And so I really don't know what to do
two roads lie before me
already i've stepped on one
But i keep drawing back and going back to square one

The mouth of the crossroad
I've stood here for so long
How long has it been?
a month? two months?
how much longer can i drag this on?

I can't imagine how my life will be if i pick one over the other
in a way, there's no correct answer
life is full of changes
so many twists and turns i've felt these past few months
what is one more change anyway?

But I'm afraid of the regrets yet to come
I'm afraid of the regrets I know are coming
regrets. i've had them all my life
but i don't think it ever was on a matter like this

but picking that path over the other is impossible as well
it. simply. would. not do.

'Find the root of the problem and therein you'll find the solution'
well, I've found the 'root of the problem'
It's simply you and me
that's all there is to it
and finding the 'root of the problem'
makes me think that my choice is the best

but of course, there's 'what is to come' to consider.

So i'm just stalling
trying not to make the decision cause I'm afraid
of regrets, of the awkwardness, of the infinite possibilities of changes
of what is to come and what won't come.

But I know, I have to make my decision soon.
This matter cannot drag on for so long.
-
well, i just thought of that
badly structured i know
wells, you'll know what i'm thinking/feeling now
but don't get me wrong
I'm still quite happy(:
for the moment anyway.

I drew something last night
it's been so long since i got an 'image' in my head
and so long since i could actually draw it out
and so much longer since i could actually draw it out properly and nicely that i can actually feel proud of it.

girlfriend's playing now.
*feels amused*
and it also happens to be on my top played list
*feels even more amused*
and no, i don't like that song

2007-09-08T10:05:00.000+08:00

letting go and I hope it'll be alright.

2007-09-07T11:05:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Michelle.

I love you.

~Green. just for you~

.sweet sixteen.

go you(:

2007-09-07T08:28:00.000+08:00

I feel like there's just this mess inside of me
everything's just overlapping with each other until there's just this huge mess within me
well. in a crude way, i know i'll get over all this
since whether i like it or not time will just keep on going
the clocks won't stop ticking
I know that.
So whether i like it or not
I'm brought closer to the EOYs with each passing second
and I'm brought closer to the future that I can't see or imagine at all
And with each passing week. I'm just drifting .... ...

It used to be that i would follow common sense
It used to be that I had some kind of old theroy to follow
But now I'm thrown into different situations that i have never ever experienced
so i'm following emotions, i'm following feelings most of the time
and it's driving me crazy.
it's making everything a mess.

And even though a huge part of me says quite firmly and obviously that I don't care anymore
some small and stubborn part of me still screams out that i must care if not, I'll regret later

I wish I can break everything into small bits
bits that are actually chewable, bits that won't make me feel sick
but everything's a mess. just one big lump of a mess.
everything that's so mashed together that it's simply stuck

tomorrow's saturday.
then it's sunday.
then it'll be monday.

-
The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again
-

Hopefully, by the time EOYs are over, most of the bulk will be gone.
hopefully.
but three/four more weeks.
I can't possibly survive.

But I know I will.
somehow.

and there's still those other things to worry about.
-
If it were possible
I would turn back time
I don't know how far back
I don't really care
I just want to go back
I want to know, remember, feel what it was like before
and simply live through it again.

there doesn't seem to be anything worth here anymore.

Emotions are just a mess
I wish I could rip out the part that still stubbornly says that I have to care

-

I need to shut up before someone cracks and tells me to.

-
I want to draw. I miss drawing. I miss my life before damn it.
In a way, I'm still the same. in a way, i'm a lot different

and i really don't know what to do.
-

I'll be okay. I know I will.
I just need to stop thinking.

but that's what you're supposed to do.
-
maybe it's the holidays that's driving me crazy

[edit/]

what do I have to say?
no words.
So nothing.

I think I'm thinking too much into things

Am I ranting?
does that show that I can't take it anymore?
well, I made a promise to myself this morning
I think it's impossible. but I can't do anything but try

so try I shall.
-
eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last
I try to keep it simple cause I hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself that

But nothing's ever simple

2007-09-06T03:13:00.000+08:00

it's 3. i woke up at 2.
it's an unearthly hour to be awake. i know.
nevermind, it's still the holidays (or so they like to term it)
so i can do studying at night.

caro-
thanks for the emails.
and i don't expect you to be able to give me answers
I mean. if you did, if you could that would be quite. scary
but just talking about it helped
i don't how.
but it did help.
and i think. these things are things that i really have to handle for myself in the end.
still. thanks all the same.

-

I'm almost done with Art
And I think it's quite pretty (although mr ong is sure to state other wise)
i messed up the tail initially
tried to fix it but it looks weird now
so it's still messed up.
ahh wells.

and i need a colour. for the human's shirt.
i can't decide.
wells. can everyone just tell me their favourite colour?

the horse is a bay. a reddish bay (i don't really think that such a term exists though)
no prizes to guess who it represents (:

and quite technically it's thursday.
so in... about 13 hours it's riding.
I can see Sonny.
yay!
-

I just saw the staff list for VBS.
um, doing k2 again.
idon'tknowwhattothinknow
and i'm quite glad that they didn't promote me ^^
because that would have been. idon'tknow.
but yeah.
yay? *trying to be optimistic but not really working here*

little kids..

but it's all for the Glory of God.
so I shall try to persevere.
i know i will.
even though i'll be tired at the end of each day.
(but that's an easy way to get to sleep(: )

2007-09-04T23:03:00.001+08:00

I did it.

throwing caution into the wind.

yes i know. sigh. now i'm panicking again.
sigh
-

on a happier note.
i'm done with my painting
at least just the horse part
(which is barely half and i spent 2 1/2 + hours on it and would have been a fail if it was a real test)
but nevermind that ^^
it's quite good for someone like me
though the colours are all wrong
wells.
it's the best painting i've ever done

until you mess it up later.
shut up.

2007-09-04T13:54:00.001+08:00

You knew you were going to screw that test. You knew. even before the test, you knew. even when you were doing that test. you knew you were going to screw that test. you knew. you knew. you just knew it.

but i studied for it.

you knew you were going to screw that test even when you were studying. you knew.
But hey, it's okay. you passed you got a C.

But i don't want a C. The least I will allow myself to get is a B3. But i really want an A.

You're aiming too high don't you think?

But that's what they've asked from me since young and that has become what i want, what i aim for now.

well, you're just going to die then.

I know.

If you want to tell someone you can you know. They said they'll listen.

But i don't want to. I can't. I just can't. I can't expect them to be there for me. 24/7. I can't expect them to be there simply because I need it. Everyone else has their own obligations their own things to deal with. I can't expect it of them. Besides I wouldn't know what to say. and I don't want to be dependent on them

in a way you already are.

shut up.
-

Conversations with myself. How fun.

-
"Vi, you're stressed."
"But so is everyone else."
-
caro-
chem is just chem is all very well.
but not when it's piled onto other things.
I know. it's all for God. We were made for Him.
But. my mother doesn't seem to think that way.
she's just-
i'm going to start ranting so nevermind that.
I think i need a hug now.
maybe not need but i want one.
but nevermind. I'll survive.
thanks friend.
-

I'm not going to get a single A this term.
then she's going to start crapping. again.
well, that's one thing to look forward to
oh joy.

-
so i won't stop dying
won't stop lying
if you want i'll keep on crying
did you get what you deserved?
is this what you always want me for?
-
I keep thinking and singing the word 'lying' as crying.
lol.
-
Moments are still just moments.
moments and forevers never lasts.
everything's just an illusion,
they're not even worth the mention.

watch the moments go by,
and all you can really do is sigh.
time will keep on going,
on and on, never stopping.

if you slip, you fall.
nothing's going to stall
just because you fell.
and if you don't get up, it's farewell.

live the moment as long as you like,
but they're only a short flight.
they're all short lived,
then they're memories none too vivid.
-
crappy things when i'm emo
i have to get the word 'moment' out of my head.
art is really getting into my head.
ahh shit. i have to finish art by today.

bio was over at 12. I left class at 1:24.
die lah.
-
They've programe their feelings
their synchronizin'
And criticizin'
-
I don't want to go to australia for sabbaticals anymore
i'm going to get emotionally blackmailed.
-
thanks joy for the hugs. thanks val for sitting/being there and the message. and thank you to dawn for that video. it cheered me up loads. but don't take me wrong, sonny is still a hell lot better than that... thing.

thanks guys.
-
So you're tired of runnin'
You're tired of hurting
You're tired of living in their lie
You're tired of listening
You're tired of hurting
Keep your sadness alive, alive, alive
-
i'll be okay

2007-09-03T16:20:00.001+08:00

So here I am again. penning down my thoughts because...?
because it's supposed to help.
and i guess because i want to remember
or maybe i don't
but i shall leave that choice to the future me
(if there is going to be one)

fingers entwined in black mane
hair streaming back
galloping across the plains
running away from everything

It's all one naive dream
Meant only to last for a moment.
-
It used to be that I quite strongly disliked school
It used to be that I wanted to go home as soon as possible after school
It used to be that I was okay going to church.
now. it seems that everything is the exact opposite.

I had things to say. but i can't remember what
so it's just as well.
-

We're all only just human
made of a breakable heart
a fagile body
and an intangible soul

there's only that much we can take
before everything starts to break apart.
---

This night
Walk the dead
In the solitary style and crash the
Cemetery gates
In the dress your husband hatesway down, mark the grave
Where the searchlights find us drinking by the
Mausoleum door...
And they found you on the bathroom floor

I miss you
I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

Back home
Off the run
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists
It isn't that much fun
Staring down a loaded gun
So I won't stop dying
Won't stop lying
If you want I'll keep on crying
Did you get what you deserve?
Is this what you always want me for?

I miss you
I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, (WAY DOWN) way down (WAY DOWN)!

I miss you
I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
WHEN WILL I miss you
WHEN WILL I miss you, so far?
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard,
Made it so hard...

way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down
way down, way down
way... down...

2007-09-03T07:25:00.001+08:00

I want a dog or a cat. I want someone that I can hug and will never feel awkward about it. I need someone that will be there for me and let me be there for them. I need someone that will keep me grounded when I'm emo or whatever. I just need someone to be there. Something substantial.
maybe this is why I've always wanted a dog, or a cat. Hamsters and rabbits are all very well but they simply don't have that same kind of... feeling. Black-Eye never lets me hug him, he barely even lets me pat him. Since young I've always thought that having a dog or a cat would perhaps solve all my problems, maybe it was just a simple childhood fantasy, a naive thought. But I kept on hoping that my parents would allow me a dog.I had one once. But I didn't even know she was mine. If i knew, I would never have let her go. But I didn't know. So now she's gone.
Even now, maybe I still believe that having a gos would help. Perhaps not solve all my problems but simply just feeling another's presence when you feel totally alone. I don't mind if the dog just lies there sleeping beside me. But hey, at least it's something substential. Somthing alive and there.
I've never known if it would ever work. Because all the dogs that I've seen aren't mine. They belong to others so I don't dare to try. But now I'll never know because I'll never get a dog or a cat. And also, maybe just maybe, I can't love them anymore. Maybe I can maybe I can't.Well, who knows? I'll never get the chance to find out anyway.
But maybe if they knew it might perhaps involve my sanity, they might allow. But how am I supposed to tell them that?

2007-09-02T19:31:00.000+08:00

Take a look around

Don't you see it

See that you are the only real face in the room

No one here has a clue what your feelin'

Don't feel bad

Keep your sadness alive

I'm listening to a lot of good charlotte

that should keep michelle happy.

ifeelalone.andidon'tblameyouifyoudon'tknowwhattodosincei'mnotsupposedtobelikethis.idon'tblameyouifyoujustwantoshutmeaway.ireallydon'tblameyou.atall.

I realised that i keep talking about sonny as though it would help.

now, I look at my art piece and i just feel sad.

blahs. I'll be fine. I know it. I just have to hang on till I'm finally truly really fine.

but hold on to what?

2007-09-02T16:12:00.000+08:00

I wish all my emotional issues would just go away. I can't study. I can't think properly. I can't do Art since the emotion from it is the exact opposite of what I'm feeling. I've drawn the human. The smile looks so fake. I can't draw it. I can't draw anything for the matter. I think I'm going to retain next year, looking at how things are going now. But I can't. I simply can't.

Church was just. I don't know.
I ran out of service after offering
then just sat in an empty room, trying to. sort things out I guess.
Then pretty much for the rest of the time I was in church, I just sat outside of the TZ room.
very illogical of me I know.
People could see me from everywhere
But the glass or plastic roof thing was blue
I liked it. but it didn't calm me down this time.

I feel bad. I feel really really bad.
People were asking how I was.
I should have just returned to the TZ room
but i never liked crowds. but this time I felt that i couldn't handle crowds at all
So i just sat outside.
and I didnt' know how to answer the questions.

"What was wrong?"
just me. I guess.

Then i went home.
and slept
-
Their cold hands tugged and pulled at me
I pulled back
I didn't want to go to where they wanted
But they continued tugging and shaking me
I didn't care. Not listening to a word they said
Listening, instead, to music that made no sense

They're muttering things. I know.
I don't want to know what they mutter behind my back
In fact, i don't care.
Their opinions stopped mattering to me a long time ago.
And a long time ago, I no longer felt safe there.
-

I was offered a panadol
if that could really help
I think i would have taken so much
that it would have killed me
-

"I don't know."
"That's not a valid answer."

But that's the only answer I can give.

2007-09-01T21:17:00.000+08:00

Today is the 1st of september
Today is the day of Michelle's departure
Today is the day of my mum's return.

All those things signify the start of... things.
But I can cancel one from my mum's list now.
Wisps is gone.
I don't have to worry about whether I have to put her down.
anymore.
-
It was like a trigger
I cried till all my energy was gone
And the reminders are all gone
But the guilt still remains
And I'll let it consume me
Because I know it's my fault
-

I feel like ranting.
Which according to cassie. (and everyone else)
is what i do when I can't take it anymore
well. I won't do it.
I'm afraid that once I start I won't know when or where to stop.
-

Now I wonder, which is better?
Feeling numbness or pain?
-

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
Won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
'Cause we are finally free tonight

I wish I could. I wish I would.

2007-09-01T16:33:00.000+08:00

If I strip my dreams and wishes to the bare minimum.
If I stop looking too much into the future.
If I stop thinking about things too big.
If I think simply,
I would wish to be able to make people around me smile.